I have my share of regrets. Should I have done this or that? But at the end of the day, it isn’t worth speculating about the lives I could have lived. There aren’t many coulda beens for Eurasian men. If 95% of white women are going to reject me for being Half-Asian no matter what I do, its not like I had any chance of being so elite as to win the 5%. I think I have managed this horrible Hapa life as best I could. Perhaps I was in way over my head, seeking out hyper-masculine adventures to live out. But as delusional as those fantastic attempts might have been, I can’t hate the past me too much for having my head in the clouds. For here I’m on the brink of suicide, since I have failed to be a man. Since I live in a society that does not consider me to be a male. So why hate on any attempt to be a He-Man, no matter how impossible or fool-hardy?
The perk of being predestined to fail, is I don’t need to regret anything. And indeed its not like there is any one big mistake I made. It was just a long series of fails and rejections. No one ever liked me because I was Eurasian. I was always the odd man out. I clearly wasn’t white. And Asian men didn’t want to be friends with someone who embodied their racial humiliation. While I generally identify with the emasculation of Asian men on this blog out of self-interest. The fact is that I have no gotten along better with Asian men than white men. Most of my hatred has been directed at Asian women, not white women. But if anything my relations with white girls have been even worse. So with the people I like and the people I hate, I still have equally bad relations. I have alluded to some flirting I did with white girls, while I was off this blog. But its nothing really. I can’t say any of this girls liked me or were even being nice. They were being civil. They were not actively cursing me out as the Eurasian freak I’m. Thats the best I can hope for. I guess white girls have matured since puberty. When I was a boy, white girls did not have to be shy to let me know what a freak I was. It wasn’t racialized. But clearly I’m a Eurasian freak above all. And that is why I will never belong.
It is painful being Hapa. You are cutoff from all humans. And even your own parents who gave you birth don’t understand your predicament. Sadly a White Dad and Asian Mom are the least people on earth who can understand the pain of a Half-Asian man. I receive universal hatred. From white men and Asian women it is to be expected. But also from colored men and white women. I’m a real life Ogre. A monster from a freak show. I get treated like a subhuman mutant everywhere I go. When I read about Blacks in the 1950s, I don’t feel like its ancient history. I feel that this is how I’m treated as a Eurasian in 2015. Except I don’t have a racial community to fall back on. I’m entirely alone as a Eurasian. My only community is my White Dad and Asian Mom, and they will NEVER understand me. Truly life as a Eurasian is a tragedy. And if I have been deluded at times, it is because I did not want to subject myself to the torture that is Eurasian life. I’ve not always been as self-centered as this blog might make me seem. There were issues much larger to me than Hapa issues. But now they are so far away from me. It is hard for me to care about the pain of others, when the pain of Hapas means nothing to the world. We are the most oppressed, disenfranchised race in the history of the world. And we have to suffer it all alone. Our parents and our sisters do not stand with us. As the Hapa son of WMAF, we stand totally alone in a black abyss.
Someone has to be born Eurasian. There are a lot of WMAF couples around. And they produce WMAF sons. And some soul out there has to take on the role of Eurasian son. No one would ever choose to be a Eurasian male. But it is our WMAF parents who get to choose. They choose to WMAF, and we are born Hapa men without choice. And thats the story of how Hapa men are born. Someone has to be the worst, the lowest of the low. And so it might as well be me. If someone has to be Hapa, I guess I will do it.
I don’t think I can withstand being Eurasian much longer. But if I have made it this far, that is good enough. No human should be asked to take up the burden of being a Hapa man. WMAF are the last people on earth, who have the right to ask their sons to be Hapa. Truly we are accursed. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I made this world a worse place by being Hapa. If WMAF sons didn’t exist, this could be a better world. I’m a blight on this world.
I’m sorry, sorry for being Eurasian. Sorry to myself more than anyone. For who has suffered more for being Eurasian than me? I hate the words Eurasian and Hapa. I’m sorry Euro and Asian was ever brought together. Brought together in my genes. There aren’t many phases of history in which White men had the chance to mix with East Asian women. But I was unlucky enough to be born during a WMAF explosion. And I’m the outcome of the WMAF wave. The WMAF son. I’m totally defined by the White male Asian female relationship. I’m a WMAF son above all. And the gender pairing does matter, as explored in my posts on the very different outcomes for AMWF sons. Perhaps in a way I’m jealous of AMWF sons. In the same way I didn’t get along with full-Asian men, I had a mighty conflict with an AMWF son and his white girlfriend. I guess I was just jealous. Jealous that we are both Eurasian, but I have to be the failed type of Eurasian.
I guess if I just hid in my room, never went online, never talked to my parents, never left the house, never looked in a mirror, maybe then I could forget I was a Eurasian man. Maybe when I’m dead and buried, the curse of being Eurasian will no longer torment my bones. Life is hell for Hapas. It is the worst fate any man can suffer. All humans consider me to be a mutant monster. I have never known a kind word from a human being. The human hand has only been raised but to strike me. This is the relationship between Hapas and the human race. I have never considered myself human. I’m Hapa not human. I’m nothing but subhuman scum. Genetic trash. I can feel myself deteriorating. There is no salvation for the Eurasian. I tried over these years to escape, to find some way out. I dreamed that somewhere out there, I could be treated like a human being. Not a great or magnificent human being. But just a regular person. But I can’t fool myself any longer. I will always be a Eurasian beast.