Where do we go from here? A lot of my posts since 2014, have been backward looking. Looking back to my blog of 2011. Which in many ways stood as a finished total work. Where the Hapa flame was carried on, is in the comments section of my blog, where there was much lively discussion that carried on, developed and went beyond my early points. And this continued from 2011, right up to 2014, when all these new Hapa resources began sprouting up. At this point, if I wanted to recommend someone a place to start on Eurasian issues, I might not even recommend my own blog. And I don’t say this out of any false modesty. Others have given me credit or blame, as being the one who got the ball rolling in really analyzing these Eurasian problems. I don’t want to give myself all the credit, because its not true, that it started with me. And if we pretend that it started with me, should pretend that the Eurasians of the past never had any problems?
You can find plenty of posts prefiguring my ideas going back into the 2000s and the 1990s. And in other sources even before the 1990s. What I do deserve credit for, is I’m the one who really connected the WMAF trends to the self-image of Eurasian men as Half-Asian men. Even there I was prefigured by Urban Dictionary. Their entry on Hapa males, in a very concise and pithy way from 2010, sums up every thing I’ve said since. The White guys with Yellow Fever who put down Hapa guys, become the dad of Hapa guys. And whoever the anonymous Hapa who wrote that was, he was less militant than me. He said there was nothing wrong with Asian women preferring white men. But he said it creates a lot of problems for Hapa males in the teen years.
I closed my 2011 blog with April Wilkner. And in many ways she represents the wrong kind of Eurasian women. A Eurasian woman who uses her mixedness as a way of escaping being Asian. But back in 2006, when I was watching her. I was also someone who wanted to escape being Asian. So when Janice Dickenson told her that she needed to embrace her role as the “Asian model”; and April said no I’m half white. These are ideas that resonated with me. Understand that in 2006, I wasn’t some White-washed white-worshiping Eurasian guy. Oh I had went through my rightwing, patriotic, pro-white days in my youth. But just the next year, I turned militantly anti-white. Calling whites devils. But even in hating white people, my Asian shame still showed. I was with colored people, with the brown man. Against the white man.
When in the 8th grade my White dad asked, so what are you an Asian nationalist now? I said No! Black Nationalist. Even in my pride, in being anti-white, I was still shamed of being Asian. I looked to Blacks, Browns, Muslims. Anyone but Asians, especially East Asians. Even later in high school, where I gingerly moved towards genuinely embracing Asian Nationalism, it was pretending that Asians were like the other minorities, Brown and Black. I wasn’t ready to take on the genuine issues unique to Asians. If the problem with Asians is that they are too smart, and don’t commit enough crime, I wasn’t there yet.
And this was the mindset I was in in 2006, when I saw April Wilkner, and was ready to start looking into Eurasian issues. And if all these militant Eurasian blogs and forums, existed in 2006, I would have grabbed the title Hapa Eurasian, and been behind them 100%. But the Hapa, Eurasian forums had nothing to say to me. And I have nothing but disgust for those who would drag us back to those bad old days. There are thousands of Hapas suffering out there. If you took them back to 2006, they would just feel like freaks, their Hapa angst not spoken to. I’m proud, that in part thanks to my blog, a Hapa in 2016, looking to find out who he is, wont have to abandon his Hapaness.
But thats what I had to do. So then finally, after all these years of running from being Asian, I was ready to be Asian. I called around all the Asian Civil Rights groups. And I was almost going to intern or join up with one of these Anna Hong-Smith lead groups. Although I didn’t know about the Hong-Smith at the time, since on the website she just called herself “Anna Hong.” I went to one of these Asian culture clubs in college. And there was some talk by a White Christian missionary in Asia. My dad joked there must have been a lot of white guys coming to the Asian club to meet Asian girls. He always assumes that anything Asian, there are going to be white guys looking for Asian girls. I assume it too, but more sinisterly than him. Anyway there was actually only 1 white, a white girl. I should have told my white dad that, and asked him if the white girl was there to meet Asian guys?
Hapa groups weren’t the answer. But full Asian groups I learned were just as corrupt. And so for a while I totally abandoned my fixation on being Hapa and Asian. And decided that that struggle would be decided in wider struggles I was involved with. So I bounced around this and that for a while, not really thinking about being Hapa. Until 2009, when I had a total breakdown. I had a blog then, which was on general pessimism and despair. Never mentioned being Hapa or race at all. But these Hapa issues were already growing on me 2006-2010.
My Asian and Hapa issues developed mostly after high school. But don’t think it was so innocent in my teen years, even if I wasn’t as ideologically conscious of what it meant to be a Asian Hapa male. In the 10th grade, I was in the car with my parents, and they brought up the subject of girls. And I made the extremely hostile comment that “You have RAPED my mother, and I will RAPE your daughter”. At only 15 years old this was my way of saying, I would only date white girls. But even I have to admit, that it was vicious language. But it just shows you, that even before I was “awakened”, I was even more enraged about being a WMAF son, than I’m now. I said to my dads face, that by being in a WMAF, he was being a rapist. If anything I’m much, much nicer now, when I try to say my parents generally aren’t bad people. But they are part of the WMAF trend which has many negativities. At 15, there was no ambiguity to my rage. My dad actually took it lightly. And said if I wanted to date women of his ethnicity, that was good.
But despite all the rage I show at the very idea of dating Asian girls. Both my parents have brought it up several times since. As recently as last month, my mom said I could meet a girl in her country. I guess they have no long term memory, at the rage I’ve shown at that idea for many years. Even when I was an Asian Nationalist. When I drew my Spirit of the Fatherland, I represented her as a beautiful White woman in a toga. Ironically it speaks the truth. The Spirit of my FATHER’s Land is a white woman. Even when I was militantly pro-colored anti-white, even then I couldn’t conceive of dating anyone other than a white woman. And I didn’t even have any ideological ideas like I do now, about Asian women being of immoral character. I just didn’t consider them as women. You think I’m obsessed with white women now? When I was in Middle School, I had a little crush on Jessica Alba. Once I found out she was Mexican and non-white, I felt almost physically sick, that I had been attracted to a nonwhite. Now I would happily accept most Latinas into the white family. But it just shows you, that if you think I’m bad now, with all my Hapa Ideas, I was even worse when I wasn’t thinking about them.
I’d like to touch on this incident from High School. It deserves its own post, but since I post so often these days, might as well at least get it out of the bag, and then come back to it later.
My senior year of high school I had a Hapa moment in person, face to face. If the basic Hapa idea is you are an Asiaphile White nerd, who thinks Hapas are shit, your own son is going to be Hapa. I was on the Track Team. And we had this really obnoxious white guy, with that cracked nerd voice, right out of the movies. But he was good at running, and very arrogant. Anyway he was rude to me. So I said to him “be careful, you might have a son like me”. The track team was full of Asians. And the Asian guys were actually totally cool with hanging out with a Asiaphile white guy. It was the Hapa, who challenged it. I was just starting to read up on this stuff on the internet. And I found out that “Rice King” was the term for gay white men into Asians. And I let everyone on the team know it, and they started using it. They asked me, if my dad was a Rice King. Long before I had this blog, I was making the basic point of it, to white guy’s faces. I had no awareness of how bad the situation was for Asian men. If anything I saw more AMWF in high school. This cute, athletic, Track white girl was dating another Asian guy from the Track team. And he wasn’t exactly one of the Super Asians, breaking all the stereotypes. I even had a lot of resentment and jealously towards the AMWF Hapa jock bragging about his white gf giving him bjs. We even came to blows, probably in part because of my envy.
I wasn’t pro-AMWF Hapa, anti-WMAF Hapa at that point. Remember the article about how just throw a football at a Hapa and you can tell if hes AMWF or WMAF? Well, me and this guy, were living proof of that axiom. But I wasn’t exactly cheering on AMWF Hapas. I would have preferred him just being an Asian guy. I met his white mom. And then I went back to school, letting everyone know how disappointed I was, that my Colored Hero, was half white. I said I needed to search for a new non-white hero. The fact that his whiteness came from his mom’s side, didn’t redeem him. He was a jock much stronger than me. And we worked together over the summer. And we got into a shoving match. I considered it a great victory that I had “fought him to a draw”. I drove off blasting “Ever the Same” on my car radio.
I know these stories don’t make me look good. But they aren’t meant to. They are meant to show my thought process evolving over time, before I got to my current stance on what it means to be Hapa, and what the source of Hapa oppression is.