Being half-Asian makes me feel less than human.

Lets wrestle with these Eurasian issues. On the one hand I would like to put them behind me and forget about it. But there is no in front of me anymore. I see no hope in my life, and Hapa issues are the elephant in the room. Yes, Hapa issues depress me and get me down. But my whole life is down. We can say that Hapa issues are not a distraction from my other pursuits, but that all other pursuits are a distraction from Hapa issues. It is hopeless trying to self-censor myself and not come back to this blog. And theres no point in making it a battle of wills, since my self-discipline is utterly broken, now that I have nothing to hope for in this horrid world.

Is being Eurasian the be all end all? My personal flaws and the flaws of the race are not mutually incompatible. As I said last post, if we made a Venn diagram of stereotypically Asian traits and loser traits, there would be a perfect overlap. So lets say that being Half-Asian imposes a strict bamboo ceiling on my best possible life. Now I’m on the floor, in the basement. At the absolute bottom of human well-being and flourishing. Life has become hateful to me. Given the garbage cards I was dealt in life, could I have played them better? I will concede that its possible my life could have been marginally better. But I could also have made worse choices and made my life worse. I think the bamboo ceiling is pretty low. Back in 2009 I used to debate with myself whether life in 2009 was worth living. And my devil’s advocate could definitely score a few debating points over myself. If you can accept the culture and system, there is a lot to enjoy as an average or even below average American man in the 21st century. And it was these debates with myself that convinced me to give life another chance, when I was on the brink of suicide. But I was a victim of my own success. By entirely swallowing and absorbing the values of American culture, it was impossible to ignore the racial aspect. And so I wrote this blog in 2011, just as I was making my best effort to integrate into the mainstream.

If the best argument of 2010 was “life as an average American male isn’t that bad” the argument of 2015 is “life as an average
Asian/Eurasian male is TERRIBLE”. When I look at the life of the average Asian-American male, even if he has achieved middle class status, economically, I see nothing to envy. I don’t want to live that life. And this is where WMAF comes in. As I see WMAF couples as both instigators of and profiters from Asian male emasculation. And then they create Half-Asian sons who have to live in this world. Well thats the Hapa Paradox that is at the heart of this blog. I think a large amount of WMAF couples are loudly and proudly based on open racism against Asian males and sexism against Asian females. And you can google these creeps up yourself, if you want to see the background to Hapa males. Now maybe they are just a loud, militant minority. But their hateful words ring true to me, since its perfectly in line with the trends and actions of “mainstream” WMAF couples. There is a big crisis in our hands. And whats the best case scenario for a WMAF couple? At best they are not openly racist, but still ignore the problems their Half-Asian sons might suffer. It might not even be intentionally malicious. Anti-Asian racism isn’t de jure to the same extent anti-Black racism was in the 1950s. So to someone who is not a Half-Asian son, it might seem like he is just thin skinned and hypersensitive. Since these are largely cultural issues. Why complain about the lack of Asian rappers and basketball players when Asians are the highest income group? My white dad asked me.

For my white dad, it seems silly for me to be angsting out over lack of Asian male movie stars. But it does matter. Look at the gay rights movement “It Gets Better”. It has gotten better for gays, in my lifetime I’ve seen a revolution in gay rights. What was the cause? “Liberal Hollywood brainwashing” normalizing the behavior. To an extent that is true, but not as sinister as conservatives would make it out to be. The media over the last few decades has done a lot to show gays as just regular human beings. To humanize them. Once gays are just regular people, its hard to hate them. Compare and contrast that with the progress Asian men have made in the media over the last decade. It is hard to name a single character who was a fully developed human being. And I do think it makes a big difference. If having prominent sympathetic characters and celebrities builds empathy, I think decades of bombardment of asexual, nerdy, Asian enemy clowns has accomplished the opposite. Asian men are more than ever mere insects or robots. Completely subhuman. And this has eradicated my psyche. It is hard for me to even think of myself as human anymore, and I eschew all human contact. This Hermit Kingdom isolation has backfired, in that rather than freeing me from mental pollution, I obsess more than ever over being Hapa. And the internet is even nastier than the people I knew in real life.

Being half-Asian makes me feel less than human. I feel that US society sees me as less than human. When people are shocked by how wide the AMWF to WMAF gap, for me the real miracle is that AMWF even happens at all, when Asian men are not even human in US society. To be an AMWF is to revolt against a whole cultural apparatus. This is why it is to the infinite eternal shame of WMAF that they have to baby-snatch successful Eurasian celebrities from the sons of full white mothers. No Asian mother will ever raise a successful Eurasian celebrity.

How do I deal with this issues? I have no incentive to try, since the life of the average Asian man, hold zero appeal to me. I have no reason to strive for it. And I’m under no illusions that I will be some above average Super Eurasian that breaks down barriers.

I feel that being part Asian makes me less than human in American culture. And I resent my own parents for being a WMAF couple, which I see as both symptom and cause of Asian dehumanization. My parents created me to be a human being, and took away my humanity in a single act. They might not have maliciously intended any harm, but the bad apples have spoiled the bunch. And there are tons of WMAF bad apples, which lead me to see them as a truly vile coupling. It is just impossible to have the level of empathy for another race of males, that is necessary to be a parent to a Eurasian son. Can my parents, even with the best intentions, ever feel what I feel? No, they can’t. And if they want to pretend that being Asian male is identical to being white male in USA, then all communication between us must necessarily break down.

But what can even the best of WMAF do? Suppose a WMAF couple read my blog and were totally convinced by my arguments and genuinely wanted to do their best to advance the interests of their Eurasian son. Some WMAF bloggers do pretend to speak like that. Maybe a Chang Johnson leads some Asian-American civil rights organization. I read a piece by a WMAF Asian mom trying to convince white women to give Asian men a chance. But as many comments told her, it was impossible to take her seriously, when her own actions spoke so much louder than her words. What could a genuinely progressive anti-racist WMAF couple do to help their half-asian son? Even, with the best of intentions- nothing.

Its a sad world Hapa men live in. And we are too isolated to even find each other and build communities. We are all on our own. To even find this blog, a Eurasian man would have to already be half-way to my conclusions, if he was already defining himself by his mixed status and seeking out resources. Most Eurasian men probably just take the stance advocated by my commentators. “I’m a personal failure and loser, it has nothing to do with my race”. Unless they are searching, they wont find out, that there are so many WMAF sons out there exactly like them. Its not a coincidence that so many Hapa guys end up in the same place.

What is one good thing about being Eurasian? The answer I most frequently get are variations on “at least you are not a disgusting full Asian, they are the lowest of the low”. But because of the 1-drop rule, I’m treated by White Society as a disgusting full Asian, I’m the lowest of the low. And so your negative compliment is just a straight insult. The one good thing about being Eurasian, is that you are the worst race of males. I did an entry on the “Uncanny Valley” on why being “better” than the worst race of males, wasn’t any advantage. There was also a blog entry by Bitter Halfie Man, who explained that he had no advantage in getting Asian or Hapa girls over full Asian men. He said it was a purely theoretical advantage, since any Asian girl who admired his white traits, could easily get a full white guy. The same logic of course applies to girls of any race.

Its not just about girls, sex, relationships. Even just walking down the street, I always see social groups congregating together based on race, culture, ethnicity. Humans are a naturally tribal species. They form in and out groups. And every time I see friends of all the same race hanging out together in even the most diverse areas. Its a punch in the stomach. A reminder that Hapas have no tribe, and will always be the permanent outgroup for this most tribal species of ape.

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