In my last few posts I have finally been moving from depression to acceptance. Yes, there is nothing worse than being Eurasian male, and I’m Eurasian male and I can live with that. Race is a social construct, in the sense that the social pain that comes from being Eurasian is imposed on me by other human beings, when they assign to me all the social traits of Hapas just by looking at me. If I avoid society, while I might still be physically Hapa, all the social pain that comes with it can be avoided. Easier said than done, as I’ve been telling myself this for years. And yet here I’m online dwelling on being Hapa.
Finding out you are Eurasian is like finding out you are going to die. Life is impossible for Eurasians. So I find the 5 Stages of accepting death mirror my 5 Stages of grief at being Hapa.
I’m don’t want to be a Eurasian. I will tell people that I’m anything but a Eurasian, any other race or mix will do. If I lie to white girls about my parents it will be like I’m not even Hapa anymore. I want non-Eurasian Privilege. The Privilege of not having to belong to the bottom worst race. I’m full white. I’m full Asian. I’m Peruvian. I’m Kazakh. I’m AMWF Hapa. I’m anything in the world but a Eurasian male.
How dare you say I’m not white or peruvian. It enrages me when people point out my part Asian heritage. This is a denial of the white status I believe I deserve on account of my white dad. I’m angry at everyone. WMAF for both creating and emasculating me. White women for rejecting me. Everyone else for no accepting me. I hate this universe that forces me to be a Eurasian. It is so unfair that in a supposedly post-racial US society, race still means so much. I’m full of rage for everyone including myself.
Ok, America maybe we can make some kind of deal. I will embrace US pop culture. I’ll try to be just an ordinary American dude. Even the parts of the culture I hate, I will learn to love. I’ll take any offer I can get. Anything resembling a normal American life, I’ll live it. I suck, I admit it, and I’m willing to live in whatever low status you assign to me. Just let me be a human being. I don’t want to fight anymore. Maybe things aren’t so bad. 21st century America is a great, advanced civilization in many ways, and I should feel grateful for living in it. All of History leads to this moment. There is a lot of good in society that I overlook. I can live in a world like this. Lets just make a deal.
No deal. Even my unconditional surrender is rejected. I’m not fit even to be a slave. I’m worthless garbage that shouldn’t exist. I’m the lowest of the low. Human waste. I shouldn’t exist. All is lost. There is no hope. Despair and angst. I will forever be cutoff from the human race. I will never know basic human warmth or kindness. I will be treated like I’m an alien monster species. I will never be at home in this planet, never part of the human family. Every human sees a monster ogre in me.
Fine. Someone has to be the worst race in the world, there has to be a bottom of the barrel, it might as well be me. Being Hapa is my cross to bear. IF someone has to take care of worthless Asian sons, it might as well be a White dad. This is what I was genetically doomed to be, and there was never any changing it. There is nothing to regret, nothing I could have done differently. Oriental Fatalism. My genes doomed me to be a failed Hapa. If I bury my head in the sand like an Ostrich, maybe I can forget that I even am Hapa. I’m only Hapa when white girls see a Hapa in me. If I avoid all humans, I can have no race. Like a pig rolling in the mud, I can dwell in the filth of my own self-loathing. Revel in my degeneracy. I suck and I’m proud. Fine. Now I can stop crying about the human race, since they are not my race. They are a totally different species, as far away from me as ants. And I’m just a worm to them. Why care about people who despise me? People of all stripes, will never consider a Hapa human. Theres no need to force my company on anyone. If this is how the human race feels about Hapas, I will not force my hated presence on them. Live and let live. You stay on your side of the planet and I will stay on my side. I will try to forget that humans even exist, you have already forgotten me.