It would be stupid to destroy my life just go get revenge on my WMAF parents. That would be cutting off my nose to spite my face. ‘Ha ha you have a son that is a complete and total failure, wheres your hybrid vigor now?’ I mean I have practically said that to them. But I didn’t intentionally self-destruct my life just to say it. I think in some ways as I have hit rock bottom, I have come to make peace with the hellishness of being Eurasian. If Asian men are doomed, I would rather be Eurasian. Not because I believe there is any Eurasian advantage, especially if you look as Asian as Obama looks Black. But because as I have said in my last few posts, if Asian sons are nothing but a welfare burden, sure let white dads foot the bill. If Asian sons are totally worthless in the west, its fitting that a white man and asian woman now have to raise a man-child. And so in that sense I’m glad to be Eurasian. I’m glad to be my WMAF’s parents problem. Not that I’m doing it out of spite, but if someone has to support me, it might as well be them. If I’m going to belong to the worst race, I might as well be my white dad’s burden.
Drop out of society and live off my WMAF parents. That seems to be my solution. And yet I’ve been doing it for years and obviously I’m still not happy. Part of it is the uncertainty, I know it can’t last forever, and my parents haven’t given me a lifetime welfare guarantee. And I keep coming back to these Hapa issues, even if it technically shouldn’t matter to me, if I have no human contact. If I stop coming online, I don’t have to be Hapa anymore. In that sense racial is a social construct. Other people have to see me as a Hapa for me to be Hapa. If I just had a blog about how much life sucks, and never mentioned my race, people would just call me white, as in fact happened in the past.
Yes, there is a woe is me aspect to all this. Its hard for me to care about anyone else’s problems at this point, when I know they don’t care at all about the hellish lives of Eurasians. IF people living great lives, don’t care about Hapa slavery, why should I care when their perfect world falls apart? I’m human garbage to them, subhuman trash. And garbage can’t feel pity. I do, I really do think being Eurasian is the worst thing in the world. I’m destroying myself. My lifestyle is unsustainable. Maybe I did let all the media,
sociological, internet negativity get to me. But its not based on nothing, my real life was not sunshine. IDK maybe I do let all the online anti-asian stuff dominate me. I’ve always be hypersensitive about being half-asian. Ideally I would want people to not see me as Asian at all. And so even the mildest racism, or just an
acknowledgement of my Asianess, was hell for me. Just to be called the Asian guy was so painful to me as a half-white. And knowing what I do now as an adult, about Asian status in the West, I can’t say I was so wrong as a child. I knew I didn’t want to be asian male. And adulthood has confirmed all my childhood fears.
While I wanted to wipe the Asian side out, I have in fact wiped the white side out. I’m so sure that all people will see in me is a asian male. Even though many people do see my mixed features. There has even been rare incidents where I’m seen as white or latino. So I’m not Asian or full Asian to everyone. And yet at this point, thats what I’m sure everyone sees in me. Well, I think thats basically true. Maybe 10% at the highest see me as white/latino or anything but Asian. 40% see full Asian. 50% see Hapa. Something like that. I can only tell from those who explicitly mention race. I guess if you just see a full Asian, you’re less likely to make a comment, than if you see a mix, since the mix is a more interesting conversation.
I’m totally convinced more than anything else that being Eurasian is the worst thing ever. And having written 100s of pages on the topic, I’ve done more to convince me than anyone else.