Since I’m back blogging again, there is no point in running away from these Eurasian issues. If I’m here, I might as well argue myself to the end. I’m not sure if there is anything to be gained in
cannabalizing myself in front of a hostile audience. But if other Eurasians will find my journey useful, then its not for nothing. It will soon be 2015, and half a decade since I made my best attempt to integrate into American culture. In 2010 I was debating with myself the pros and cons of life in this world. I was speaking about universal issues in the spirit of Mitchel Heisman, rather than the particularity of SEML. Like him I was wrestling with the issues of living in a world so dominated by the vision of sociobiology. How to live in a world, which is nothing but a brutal struggle of genes? This is a struggle that any human could contemplate, not just a Hapa male. Although there is less reason to question it, when you are on top. Since Hapa men are on the absolute bottom of the social pyramid, its no wonder that many of us have obsessed over the sociobiology of human sexual behavior.
In 2010, I was able to comfort myself, with the idea that life was so much better for humans, than it has ever been. And that while it might not be perfect, perhaps I was selling it to short. I have similarly tried to debate myself with these points on SEML. But they strike me as more hollow now. Its hard to be cheered up by the GDP growth in Asia, if my life as a Eurasian male still sucks. The fact remains, that Asian-American males still have to endure lives, as the least desired, most humiliated, degraded, castrated race in America. While I might look out and say that ‘man’ in general is doing well in 2015. This is not how I feel about the Asian-American male. Now look, maybe most Asian-American males are happy with their lives. Yeah, WMAF is an issue, but most find an Asian wife to marry in the end. They live decent middle class lives. And they have their kids cram for the SAT so they can move up in this world. But if you are a Eurasian man, with WMAF parents, this ‘good’ Asian male, life will not appeal to you at all. You will naturally be repulsed by Asian women, since you will see your WMAF mom in them. You will want to marry a white american girl and be normal. This will forever be denied to you. And when you look at the life of the average Asian-American male, you will see that it is just as impossible for him as it is for you.
A Eurasian male looks Asian. And when he looks at the chances of a normal Asian-American man getting a white wife, it is well nigh impossible. Now sure there are some who do it. But the fact that a tiny elite of Asian men can somehow be with white woman, is no inspiration to below average Eurasian men. And if Asian men are attractive to a small minority of white women, its not clear that will be attracted to Hapa men for the same reasons. Thus the situation appears totally hopeless to the Eurasian. The GDP per capita of Asia, does nothing for his happiness.
Race is still such a big part of America. These are the voluntary associations that people choose. But people are more comfortable with those of their same ethnicity, nationality, race, religion. And a Eurasian male just can’t fit into that. Not with whites or Asians. And outside TV specials, truly color-blind multicultural circles of friends are pretty rare. And that is the only possible circle, that a Eurasian male can rely on for basic human contact and friendship. It is a sad life we Hapas are faced with. Not just in sexuality, but in basic human relations. Humans are social animals. And Hapa men are unable to fulfill our human nature. We are denied our human essence, and do fall to the status of some kinda subhuman mutant.
I just don’t see the profit, in ever trying anything again in either Asia or America. I toyed with the idea of going to Asia. But its clear to me that I would be just as much a stranger there as I’m here. And I’ve never had any desire to break my neck learning an Asian language, when I wont even get any credit for it, when I look Asian. Nor am I exactly inspired or passionate about my mom’s country. If it was something I really believed in, I could climb any mountains for it. But if white expats are so comfortable in Asia, then I know that I as a Eurasian wont be.
Stuck in America, what kind of life can I hope for? Since I’m Half-Asian, I will be treated as full-Asian. The life of the average or above average Asian-American man, is of no inspiration to me and I have no desire to aspire to his level.
When I ran my generic blog, I could ask myself, is the life of the average American man, really that bad, that you need to be angsting out about? I could shame myself into admitting that life in America was not so hellish as I made it out to be.
I really don’t feel that way when the question is changed for Asian-American men. Do I want his life? No. Its not a goal for me. The normal Asian man, does not seem any more able to be loved by a white woman, than I’m. If thats the case I prefer to sit on my hands and leech off my WMAF parents. They brought me into this situation. Perhaps they could be excused for their ignorance in conceiving me, and not thinking of Asian male problems. But now that I’m an adult, and have made very clear to them, how I feel as a half-Asian man, ignorance is no longer an excuse. They choose to be willfully blind to the racial situation in America. In that case, they deserve a useless, worthless son.
Do I want to try again? Whats the point? I’m always going to be surrounded by people who despise me. Even if a white girl smiles at me, and I think in my stupid brain that shes flirting with me, we know it can never go anywhere. If its so impossible for the average Asian man, what chance does a below average Eurasian man stand? None! So theres no point in ever trying anything.
Which is not to say I never tried. I made a determined effort over the last few years. And I spoke to hundreds of white girls. I didn’t just sit on my hands. I made every effort to reach out. And I tried every approach that has been here suggested to me. I don’t want to say it was all failure. I had some moments that meant a lot to me personally. But at the end of the day, I’d have to say that no progress was made. And I saw the limits to any possibility of me integrating into American culture. Even with good faith and my best efforts, America would just not choose to have me. And so it petered out of its own accord. Although my parents could have given me more time to experiment and find myself in America, I don’t deny that it met its own internal limits. And I don’t blame them totally for the failure. If I did, then all I would need is a 2nd chance. But I don’t think I need a 2nd chance. I think my life story, already shows the best I can do with this Eurasian life in America. The average Asian male finds it impossible to get a white girlfriend. And I don’t believe I can do better than him. And so with no incentive to work, I prefer to leech off my WMAF parents as long as possible, until I meet my end. Its a short, sad life. But I’ll try to ignore as much of it as I can.