Maybe it would be best not to come back to these Eurasian issues. But since I did, I might as well argue this crap out with myself. And anyway, if my life is truly unlivable, I might as well look the racial aspect of it, straight in the face. In 2010, having retreated from suicide, I gave life another chance. I did my best to integrate into white society. I wrote the ideas of SEML, during summer of 2011. The midpoint of my advance. And while there are many negative thoughts here, it didn’t prevent me from going onto 2012. I don’t know what the point of writing this blog is. Its mostly an unsympathetic audience of white nationalist men. They are the ones most interested in these HBD issues. Most of the rest of society, prefers to simply look the other way at the failures of race-mixing. Now the failure of WMAF doesn’t have to be explained in White Nationalist terms. It can even be seen as a failure of white nationalism, since so many of the WM in WMAF, are rightwing white males. But since multiculturalism pretends that all race-mixing is innocent and pure, the only ones who control this topic are ‘race realists’. And I don’t know if any useful dialogue can come from HBD types.
When HBD says they want to preserve human biodiversity, they are actually using the term diversity in the opposite sense it usually means. When Multiculturals talks about diversity, they mean bringing races together. While HBD means that the genetic diversity of the white race, should not be lost by merging into the goop of some rainbow, grey, mud race. In that sense Eurasians are not an increase in racial diversity, but a loss of diversity. The unique traits that make the white and asian races desirable, are lost in some haphazard blend. And it is a far from equal blend. Since the Mongoloid features clearly predominate. The white dad, might as well have never existed. As far as phenotype, most Hapa men might as well have had an Asian dad. Instead of blue-green eyes and blonde-red hair you have universal boring slanty brown eyes and black hair. There is nothing less exotic than an Asian or Eurasian. They are the least individualistic race in the world. Exotic is the last word I would use on Asians.
People hate their parents, for all sorts of reasons besides race. And they all have to have their parents DNA in them. So should they all hate themselves? Its not really the same thing though. In that people see the WMAF in me, in a way that I don’t think the flaws of the parents are seen in same-race people.
idk, I guess I could try getting back out there. Forget love and dating. Maybe if I could just make some human connections with male friends in person, I wouldn’t have to feel the universal hostility of the world against me, that I currently do. I don’t think all this Hapa research is healthy for me. And yet I can’t just wish these facts away. You are really witnessing the disintegration of my mind. A man falling apart. idk if I want to see real people anymore. I tried my best, in the years I had. And now I expect nothing from them. Its certain I can’t be rescued from this predicament. People are just going to go on hating Hapas, without even thinking about it. Theres no hope for me. I wouldn’t even know WTF to hope for. No one is ever going to give me a chance.
It was my WMAF parents decision not mine. They choose to race-mix, without thinking out all the consequences. They weren’t exactly some heroic BMWF couple standing up to the KKK. There are virtually no social pressures against WMAF. With all the supposed Asian xenophobia and racism, Asians are definitely by far, the most chill race in letting their daughters intermarry. And whites are very cool with Asian mixing, so long as its not AMWF. So I don’t exactly see my parents as anti-racist heroes. They aren’t as bad as the WMAF White Nationalists online. But they didn’t think. They thought it would be so easy having a Eurasian son. They bought all the lies, about the best of both worlds. And to this day, they refuse to acknowledge that anti-Asian male racism is a thing. Even though, it’ll be the death of me. It was their choice not mine. And I can’t go on living their WMAF choice for them.
Its not white women’s fault, my parents choose to WMAF, so I can’t blame them for rejecting me. White girls were so mean to me in elementary school. They teased, mocked and bullied me. Then in Middle School, it was a less aggressive, more subtle form of cruelty. They pretended to like me. Making a big show of how cute I was, and how they loved me. But then they invited everyone to their parties but me. And as a tween, I already identified this with race. I wrote in my diary, that I was left out for being non-white, even though as a Eurasian I’m white. Me SEML, I’m white.
idk, maybe I do have a chip on my shoulder about race. In elementary school, while I was being bullied, the coolest kid was Korean. And I didn’t exactly cheer on Asian boys who did well. I more just felt jealousy towards them. In high school I had some big fights with an AMWF Hapa jock, and yeah maybe I was jealous of his white girlfriend. And there was a full-Asian athlete with a white girlfriend. I also joined the Football team in high school, to be masculine. But I was just there to be a team retard. The captain of the cheerleader team, would even act all flirty with me, just to degrade me as a Eurasian ogre freak. I had to play nice with her. The AMWF Hapa told me that I would get so much pussy if I won homecoming king. But I knew, I was just nominated as a joke. I had learned the hard lesson in middle school, that whenever a white girl acted like she liked me, she was just making fun of me. These were still the same girls. Also when my white dad, came to one of our games, the AMWF Hapa told me that my dad loved me. I got into a fight with him, and fought him to a draw. Although I guess he could have kicked my ass, if he was really trying.
idk, maybe I did have too much of a chip on my shoulder. Maybe I took myself too seriously. Maybe I shouldn’t have been so offended by a little white elementary school girl, giving me cooties or imitating my voice. Shes just a little girl. But they were so mean to me.
It doesn’t matter. I complain about how they pretended to like me in my teen years, but were just making fun of me. But even worse than that, was to be ignored, like I was in college. And so I had to come crawling back. Begging them for the old middle school treatment. And since I was persistent and freakish enough, they obliged. These women in their 20s gave me the same fake-flirting teasing treatment, like they had when they were little middle school girls. It was a taste of my youth again. And I treasured it. And these are the fine moments with the blonde girls I refer to. They laughed at me, not with me. But we can’t be so sensitive as to care about that distinction. If I’m just a freak show to them, so be it. I can’t complain about the treatment girls gave me K-12. Because in college, having been given the cold shoulder, I had to beg them to restore that treatment. And if I try again, it’ll only be for more of that.
When I moved to a new school in JRHS, I went from being an outcast, to having beautiful popular white girls suddenly literally chasing me around the school. Telling me how cute I was and they loved me. I remember this one girl was so annoyed by me at 1st. She hated me. But once she saw all the cool girls were chasing me, suddenly she became my biggest lover. I wasn’t as retarded as I pretended to be. And when kids told me how she loved me, I remembered how she had jumped ship. As she would do again, when I was on the decline. But actually I was pretty socially retarded. And it was noticeable even then that they were just making fun of me. Part of me knew that, but part of me just wanted to pretend this was all real. JRHS was not as much of the sea-change as I had thought. Its true I put on a much more extroverted personality. But if negative attention is all that counts, I had cute little white girls teasing me all the way back in the 1st grade. This was just a more sophisticated version of JRHS teasing. And my recent relations with women have also been the same thing.
I was so angry and hurt at the time in middle school. And I did attribute it to being Eurasian. To the fact, that despite having a white dad, I was a foreign Asian to my peers. Even in elementary school, I made a point to show off my white dad and my Hapaness, so they knew I was more than just a full-Asian, since full-Asian was the worst thing to be. But I saw with my own eyes in K-12, full-Asian guys be cool, be jocks, date beautiful white girls. And yet for me full-Asian was what I was running from. Despite the fact, that I as a Eurasian, was doing socially worse than some full-Asians. I can’t say the AMWF to WMAF ratio was so bad in high school. And yet I was already miserable about being Eurasian then.
Whats the point of trying again? Who needs white girls to talk to me? Oh they talked to me K-12 plenty. But it was just to make fun of me and tease me. And during my fine moments in 2011, it was just a mature version of the same flirty teasing. They were just laughing, at what a freak I was. This time, invited by me to do so. Any positive response from a white woman, her seeming to like me, is really just her making fun of me. Its all I can hope for as a Eurasian. These are most positive interactions. As a boy, I found it cruel betrayal and hurtful. As a man, I call it my most sweet, beautiful moments. But it will always be the same. While now I can appreciate the musical laugh of a white woman, it will still be the same cruel mocking of my boyhood. My fine moments with coeds, is no different from the little white girls laughing at me in 1st grade. Teasing me, and making fun of me as a freak. If I had not been so sensitive and think-skinned, I could have embraced my role as a freak in 1st grade. That is where I’m now.