Over the last few weeks I’ve been toying with some escapes from being Eurasian. Ways in which I can endure life as a human being, and just forget my ethnic origins. But I see now that this is totally impossible. I’m totally defined by being Hapa, and this is something I have realized since earliest childhood. And despite my repeated attempts to close my eyes to it and find some escape hatch, I’m stuck being who I’m. Its clear that I will never be able to integrate into either Asian or Western culture. And this is not by accident. This is what it means to be Hapa to the core. To be raceless and homeless belonging no where.
My parents have killed me. I have tried to be fair to them on this blog. Despite the fact that this blog is about attacking WMAF marriages, I’ve done my best to explain the ways in which they are not the worst WMAF in the world. I’ve said many times, that they are not stereotypical WMAFs. If WMAF had not become so dominated by the bad apples, perhaps there would have been nothing wrong with my parents. Nonetheless the social reality is what it is. WMAF means what it means. And while they might not have been malicious in their decisions, they were ignorant and negligent. And they thought nothing of what it would mean to be a Hapa male in America. Ok whats done is done. I’m born and I exist. Ideally I should be kept in social isolation from the rest of humanity. If all interactions with a human race that hates me are going to be painful to me. The humane thing to do, if I’m to live, would be to keep me in solitary confinement. My parents by being a WMAF have helped create a hellish world for Hapa men. And they expect me to live in it. this is an impossibility. And I would say that this is a death sentence upon me.
Its obvious that WMAF has come to rely on the most primitive barbaric tropes of killing the enemy man and raping the enemy woman. This is what the WMAF relationship is all about. And we Eurasians exist in 2014. Its not 1514. We are not going to humbly submit and be your new Mestizo class. I don’t know what the future is for the Eurasian race as a whole. But I know for me, I can’t be a part of this obscene project. I reject my Eurasian identity. I reject what I was born of. And I discard this Eurasian life with hatred.
I have thought long and hard, about trying again. About getting back into American culture or trying Asian culture. But I see now there is no escape from being Eurasian. My Hapaness will chase me to the ends of this world. White people are not going to save me. Asian people are not going to save me. I’m not going to save me. The year is 2014 not 2010. We have seen the results of my attempt to integrate into American society. Despite my best efforts, I would say it is just as impossible now as it has always been. I’m forever going to be nothing but a Eurasian. If i were to die, I could at least die happy, knowing I’m dissolving WMAF genes, which I hate so much. To die would mean to split apart the DNA in my cells. this would be no tragedy for me.
I see that there is no possibility of happiness for Hapa men in this world. If you are born of a white dad and asian mom, you will always be miserable. You can bury your head in the sand, and pretend to be happy for a while. But you will never escape your curse.
I see this so clearly now. I can’t run away from myself any longer. There is no possible hope for me. A Hapa will never be understood in this world. Will never feel human warmth. Will never belong anywhere. We will forever be strangers. No one can save the Hapa. We are doomed species. If you are not a WMAF, its not directly your fault that we were born. And yet even for you neutral bystanders, there is nothing you could do to save a Hapa, even if you wanted to. Its plain that the Hapa soul is damned. We are monsters, abominations and freaks. Hounded from all directions. We will never know peace in life. We are a horror story.
My only regret is being born. I have done my best to manage this Hapa life. Till the last moment. I have grasped at any straw. And possibility of living something resembling a normal life, I have leapt at. I have tried my best to overcome my Hapa disability. But at the end of the day, this is something I just was born with. Being Hapa is like having down syndrome. Because you are a white baby with slanty mongoloid eyes. That means you have down syndrome. I had no more chance in this life than a Down syndrome baby. But I didn’t get any down syndrome privilege. I was expected to be a normal, functional, human, adult, male. When in fact, just by being Hapa, I was severely disabled.
There is no escape from the Eurasian life, save suicide. There will be those who will say suicide is always wrong. They will make no serious attempt to study the Eurasian issue. They will just tell you to live, to satisfy their own lying moral superiority. It is clear to anyone who knows what Eurasians are, that their lives are impossible.
I debated with myself the possibility of trying yet again. Marching forward for yet another epic fail. But not this time. My batteries are spent. I have given a life I hated my all. As much as I have hated this life, I have done as much to save it, as though I loved, cherished and held it so dear. I have treated a shitty life as thought it were indeed precious to me. This is more than my Hapa life deserved. Not again. I will not try again. It is not so important to me, that I be rejected by real people in person, and not on the internet. I lack the spiritual reserves to try that again. It is clear what my limits are. And truly I would be insane, if I were to believe things would be different this time.
There is so much evil in this world. And i couldn’t do anything about it. WMAF embodies many of the evils of this world. Racial, sexual, imperialist domination based on sadism. How can I do good in this world, when I was born of WMAF? How can women see anything in a Eurasian male, when he is born of a relationship so degrading to women? All good people in this world are united in hating WMAF. They will never see anything good in the sons of WMAF. the evil people who champion WMAF, are not the friends of Eurasian men. I don’t need any WMAF couples, telling me that I have hybrid vigor.
Its apparent in the end, I’m nothing but a monster and a ogre. The female in me lacks whiteness, and the Asian in me lacks femaleness. It is undeniable that what is missing from a Eurasian son who is white but not female, male but not white is the white woman. She is directly opposite to wmaf. The exact thing that WMAF is not. And I suppose when I reached out to white women, I was looking to save my own soul from the damnation of WMAF. For she had everything that was absent in me. My white dad is not a woman. My Asian mom is not a white. These are the missing pieces in a complete human being. Its not surprising that after talking to this blonde girl in 2011, I imagined my AMWF blonde mom. Perhaps, I saw in her, the white mom, I should have had. She was yet another way of undoing my parent’s marriage. In Asia, I seek Asian men. In America I seek White women. AMWF. The opposite of WMAF. The parents I never had. In Asia, I’m searching for my Asian dad, in America for my white mom. Perhaps I’m nothing but a stupid baby to white women. Because maybe I was looking for them to be my white mommy.
This was the last hope I was looking for. To find my Asian daddy in Asia, my white mommy in America. This was my way of undoing my birth. This is a kind of suicide. A wish for unbirth. A wish for any parents but my own. Its clear that the metaphorical dissolving of my genes, will never happen. Not in love. So long as I live, I will be stuck with my origins. It is certain that no one will ever rescue me from being Eurasian. If I want to stop being Hapa, I must perish.
I can’t right all the evils of the world. But I can undue what has been the cruelist evil to me. Which is being a WMAF Eurasian son. I’m defined by my WMAF genes. And if I hate them so much, I’m free to flush out my DNA.
I’m trapped in my life, surrounded by races that hate me everywhere. I have never known what it feels like to not be hated. For a human being to like you, I wont even bother to say love, and not despise you. I’m garbage to the human race. They have treated me like subhuman scum, and I have been convinced of their truth. I no longer consider myself to be a human being. I consider Hapas to be some distinct mutant species. If humans do not think I’m human, who am I to contest them? I can’t tell whites I’m white. I can’t tell Asians I’m Asian. I can’t tell humans, I’m human.