I feel rather desperate and trapped. That this Eurasian life must be thrown away. I just can’t imagine any possible good life for a Hapa man. This whole scheme to go to Asia, has really brought home, how homeless I’m in this world. I think it was a stupid idea. What was it based on? The belief that it would be better off, if my mom had stayed in Asia and married an Asian man. But going back to Asia now, at this age, as a Eurasian who can’t speak Asian. That is far, far, from being born an AMWF son in Asia. I’m not even grateful that I’m not a full-Asian man in America. People say I should be. And I myself even said I might have an aesthetic advantage as half-white back in 2011. But I no longer believe so. I’m just another Asian man, to the people who count. And if I’m going to be an Asian male, I’d rather have an Asian dad, than the humiliation of being born of WMAF castration. And its not so great having a white last name, it just reminds them of my white dad, when they see my Asian face. And if its so important, I coulda just had my name legally changed to Anglo. And if life really did suck so bad for a full-Asian in America, at least I’d have 2 sets of families to run home to in Asia. I would be more close to Asian culture, and probably even know the language. Of course at this point we’re not really talking about me anymore. Since everything I’m is the sum total of WMAF genes and upbringing.
We can imagine a whole host of ‘mes’. Full white,Full Asian, Mulatto, half-latino etc. I mostly focus on my mom’s genes, because its her East Asian genes that have doomed me. East Asian male is the worst thing to be in the West. And my mom gave it to me. Despite the fact that she herself married a white man. But yes my full-white or half-white hypothetical son of my dad is just as much ‘me’. But I don’t even have to justify my dad’s alternative sons. Since its clear that if he had married any other race of women, but East Asian, his sons would be doing just fine. Its so sad, that the East Asian woman is the white man’s favorite alternative to white. When any other mixture whatsoever would give him healthier sons. But he wants the supposedly most feminine race of women, not giving a shit, that his son will have to suffer being the most feminine race of man. I don’t even bother thinking of my life as a full-white, since its out of my league. When I imagine alternatives its mostly being a full-Asian male in either America or Asia. Since its my mom’s shitty East Asian genes that doomed me. She won’t take responsibility for what shes done. She thinks life being easy for an Asian woman in America, makes it easy for Asian men.
I’m at the end of my rope here. I just don’t see any way out. And the whole Asia scheme, just reminds me that I will never be at home anywhere. I’m an Asian foreigner in America and I’ll be an American foreigner in Asia. I would be as alone and isolated in Asia, as I’m here. Cut off from the fabled Asian community. Perhaps Asians are more group-oriented than whites. But I would not be part of any groups.
There is no escape for me. I can travel to the ends of the world, and I will always be Eurasian. I truly am a Frankenstein, Ogre, Elephant Man, Monster, Freak. I’m a beast. I was cursed to be Eurasian. And until I discard my hellish life, I will be stuck with this capsule of a body. I wish I could have righted some evils in this world. But this is one evil I do have the power to ill. It is clear to me that WMAF is part of the intersection of the evils of this world. Of racial and sexual domination. With its origins in imperialist wars. I can’t right all the evils of this world. But I can right the evil of my birth. I can undo my birth. It doesn’t matter what my parents intended in having me. These are the consequences. My birth shouldn’t have happened. And if I can undo it I must.
I’m never going to be anything other than a Hapa. Thats all people will ever see in me. They will always see an enemy in me. No one will ever feel anything but hatred towards the Hapa man. I truly am the living definition of a monster. I wish I wasn’t just Hapa. I might as well be an Elephant Man. I wish it wasn’t so subtle. I wish I could just be an Elephant man out in the open. Because this is what all humanity will really see in a Hapa. No one will ever see anything different. I’m a hideous abomination. And every second I go on living is a monument to my cowardice. To clinging to a unsalvagable life. A stranger in Asia, a stranger in America. I have no home. A man without a race, without a country.
I will never have a home anywhere in the world. I will never be accepted by a human of any race. I’m cursed to forever be the Eurasian Male. To this world I’m subhuman scum. Life unfit for life, that needs to be weeded out. I hate this freakish Hapa body I inhabit. I hate everything about myself, and have no other desire than to
self-destruct. I hate all that I’m. Oh that I was born. My parents are so defensive about their choices, but they don’t have to live with the consequences. Let them be Hapa! I’m the one who has to live with the Hapa life. They should just let me be a leech on them forever. Then I would shut up. If I could shun human contact, I could perhaps endure. But everytime I see a human, they see a Hapa in me, and I can’t live with that. Yes race has become the central issue, as it always has been.
I give up. I’ve tried every possibility my stupid Hapa brain could come up with. And its clear that I can’t be saved. This life is undoable. You all try being Hapa, if you disagree. It so easy to tell a Hapa to live, when you’re not Hapa.
No one will ever accept Hapas. Even the so-called sympathetic think its someone elses job to accept Hapas. There must be some fool out there idiotic enough to accept Hapas. Well, there isn’t. No one of any race like Hapas. Hapas are living monsters. You will never understand what it means to be the son of a white dad and asian mom. They killed me from birth. I’m an abomination. I need to be put down like a mad dog. A freak like me, shouldn’t blight the face of this world, with my hideous presence. It is such a crime that I was born.