U: Is life really as bad as you say it is? And if it is that bad, how much of it is attributable solely to race? You say the worst part of being Eurasian, is being treated like a full-Asian male by society. And ok yes the added psych burden of WMAF emasculating you, and you yourself are the son of WMAF. Although that part can be solved by pretending you’re an AMWF son, and even feeling it in your head. So if it is racial, you would have to declare that the lives of the vast majority of full Asian-American males are not worth living.
I: I refuse to live the life of an Asian-American male.
U: Because, you want a white girlfriend, and feel Asians can’t get any? NOWAG? Ronery Asian man.
I: Damn South Park has done more to propagandize against Asian men, than any other source. And it figures Trey Parker is a conservative libertarian married to a Japanese woman. At least they did do an episode about how Eurasians are depressed, emo, Goth kids with FOB Asian moms who screech at them. But no, its not just about girls. Its the whole racial apparatus. I would say that its just one of the symptoms of the fact, that Asian males are in no way men in US society. And one of the things men do is date girls. Asians are not men, therefore NOWAG. Just think on a individual level, of all the worst personal insults you can say to a man. And now realize that every single one of those slurs, is a stereotype for Asian men. Asians just don’t stand a chance.
U: And so if you were any race but Asian, everything would be rosy?
I: Every race has its problems. But yeah, being that I was born male, I can’t think of a race that has its manhood more denied than Asians in America. And being born of WMAF, is a reminder of the causes and consequences of it. The stereotypes of Asian men and women are not independent of each other. There is a common feminine stereotype applied against the Asian race as a whole.
U: So if u could somehow declare independence from the Asian race, all would be fine?
I: I’ve spent much of my life, since childhood, attempting to do just that. To ‘prove’ that my white dad, makes me not Asian. It doesn’t have to make me white. But anything but Asian will do. The world is full of problems. I have my individual flaws. But, when I chickened out of suicide in 2010, I decided this was a world I could live in. And as a normal man, I could endure life. But since 2012, I’ve decided I can’t endure life as a Eurasian. It wouldn’t be all roses and sunshine if I were non-Asian. But yes, I think I could perform the basic functions of a human male. I could get a job, and try to integrate into society, to the extent I can. And swallow the bitter pill of US Culture.
U: Now in 2010, when you were going to die over general issues, issues a Mitchel Heisman could feel, and not just a Hapa. When you failed, you were convinced, that you were just too retarded and low to die. And in your opinion, the best interactions with girls, you ever had followed from this period. You were very hurt in middle school, when you perceived that white girls were pretending to like you, and calling you cute. But were really just making fun of you. They pretended to love you, and told you to your face that they did. But then didn’t invite you to any of their parties. And you initially radicalized this, saying its because they refuse to recognize your half-whiteness. Although you can’t say, no Asian males were invited. And you had AMWF Hapas and full-Asian guys dating very attractive white girls. Its ironic, that Asian issues for you now are all about AMWF vs WMAF. But in High School, if anything there was more AMWF than WMAF, or at least equity. But you weren’t satisfied with this. Getting to the point, you felt very hurt and used by this ‘fake-liking’. And so you became too prideful and haughty to allow girls to tease your dignity. While in 2010, once you accepted that you were a retard who couldn’t die, you welcomed this old Middle School teasing. Even if it was now with girls in their late teens and early 20s, instead of tweens. And you considered it a great accomplishment to recapture these moments with them. You can’t say any of these college girls actually liked you. But the old JRHS fake liking was good enough. Let them laugh at you, not with you.
I: Its true, when I thought of myself as just a man, and not primarily a Hapa man, it was easier to surrender to the world. Although I don’t want to pretend that WMAF issues weren’t sprouting up by 2009 and earlier. I felt like a generic, universal, colorless man. And it was easier for him, to accept the denigration of his masculinity.
U: Put yourself back in 2010. Suppose you had written SEML in 2009. And as much as you might hate life, for purely Hapa issues, you can’t bring yourself to die. Weakness of will, or perhaps not. Perhaps you simply; don’t know how to die, because you are too retarded to carry it out. You are stuck alive.
I: I don’t have to imagine this, because this basically was where I was in 2012-3. And I can tell you exactly how I felt. I did not feel the same sense of release that I did in 2010. I’m just a retard and I deserve what I get, and I can surrender to USA. I felt, ok I held back this time. But I can try, fail, try again. The human body is not invincible. Eventually I will have 5 seconds of courage and be dead. And while I might be alive now. My hope is still, that there will be a moment of courage, and this life will vanish. If I could push a button, that gave me instant, painless, certain, death, I would push it right now. But even in carrying out a non-magical suicide, I don’t feel any finality if I chicken out. I feel, I’ll try again next time. If at 1st I don’t succeed etc.
U: I know you don’t like saccharine feel good pop motivational posters. But you are very much the case of the Cherokee feeding the wolf of negativity. There is good and bad in this world. And you would have to admit, that this last decade, you have done nothing but feed this wolf of negativity, raw meat. You have done a PhD’s level of research in finding facts to be depressed about to feed this wolf. There is some good in this world. If there were no good people in this world, you wouldn’t have to feel so bad. If all humans are evil, there are no victims. Just wolves eating wolves. And there is no need for sympathy or empathy. And so the evils of the world would mean nothing to you. The very fact that you care, is proof that there are some good people, worth caring about, even if they are at the mercy of evil. Suppose as in 2010, you came to the belief, that you have to live, and there is no escape from life.
I: Then I would try to check myself in to solitary confinement in an insane asylum or something. I would try to live a life as close to being dead as possible. Its kind of like how I’m living now. Except that I’m still distracted by the negativity of the internet, because my parents refuse to fully release me from all bonds to society. Perhaps they think its for my own good. But if you have the beliefs that I do, that you are totally surrounded by a society that hates you. Then total isolation, is the only sane solution. Under no conditions am I going to just embrace life and try to be normal. There is no such thing as normal for a Eurasian. And this is where race issues do matter.
U: If the point of isolation was to cut yourself off from the evil of humanity, you have failed miserably. Since people are much more sadistic online than off. Not that people are angels offline, but this is clearly worse.
I: It would be easier to cut myself off from this Hapa hatred, if my WMAF parents agreed to support me for life as a deadbeat. Then I could make my peace with them, and drop these WMAF issues. Look they made a mistake birthing me. Thats done. I’m alive now as a Hapa. WE can’t change that, other than dying. Since I’m born, with a life, I don’t want, that they forced on me. There are 2 options. I can unbirth myself. Or they can support me for life. Either way I wont life a finger to keep this Hapa life going. And this is racial, neither personal nor cosmic. You could say that race is the middle ground. There are personal issues, that I’m the only one to suffer from. There are cosmic issues, that even a white man can suffer from. And there is race. Which not all men suffer from. But is not unique to me personally. It is particular but not individual. And yes, right now I’m concentrated on the middle-range. The problems unique to Hapas and Asians. I don’t deny that the cosmic and personal problems are serious. But I believe I can learn to live with them.
U: Suppose for an instant, that you were the only Hapa, Asian or Eurasian man in the world. And all the stereotypes of Asian men, were foisted on you personally, you as an individual. You could live with that right? Since thats not so different, from where you were in 2010. Lets forget that there are millions of Asian-American men and billions of Asians. Lets say you are the only one. The Ronery One. Its all about you. There is no group called Asian. You are Mr.Hapa, and these are just stereotypes about you personally. Thats exactly where you were on V-J day, and you were willing to accept that unconditional surrender. You are willing to suffer alone. The fact that there are thousands of other Hapas, millions of other Asian-Americans and billions of Asians, suddenly makes it unbearable for you. What is it about lifting problems from the individual to the racial level, that makes it so much worse? Suppose these aren’t racial stereotypes but Mr.Hapa stereotypes. Then its all ok? Then you alone take up this cross, and you can grin and bear it? Why is it so much worse to suffer in company? Do you feel like you are no longer a special little snowflake being merged into the masses of the ant-hive race?
I: Uh yeah. Well lets think. If all these Asian stereotypes and burdens, were just Mr.Hapa insults. Its about me, personally, MR.Hapa. Its still pretty bad and ugly. But like you said thats not much different than being the retard of 2010. I guess a little bit of it is tribal pride. I feel ok making a fool out of Mr.Hapa. But I don’t want to disgrace the already broken Asian race. This is the same false pride, that held me back pre-2010, only now, not applied to face but to race. Its just a thought experiment of course. Obviously the Asian and Hapa races do exist, and its not just about me, Mr.Hapa.
U: But why precisely is it ok for Mr.Hapa to be a loser and not the Asian race?
I: I suppose part of it is the freedom, of knowing I can do anything to disgrace myself, but I don’t want to bring third parties into it. And I’m more self-conscious of my humiliation, when it is connected to the humiliation of the Asian race.
U: You don’t want to lose face for the Asian race?
I: I guess its in some sense more unfair. I know I suck, and if you want to say I suck as me, fine. But being told I suck just because of my race, and that everyone of my race sucks. Thats not fair. Although I guess thats more of a problem for elite Asians who want to compete directly with white men, than a worm like me. In that sense, if you are such a worm that you would fail life, even in the easy-mode of White Male level, it easier to bear. In that sense its worse for middle to elite Asian men, than for total failure Hapa men like me. But its impossible to say where Hapa ends and I begin. After all I’m nothing more than the sum total of WMAF nature and nurture, as well as society’s reaction to my Hapa face. Where does Hapa end and my unique individuality begin?
U: Look at it this way, the stereotype is that Asian men are shy and quiet, and don’t even talk to white girls. Look at all the supposed comments from white girls “I like Asian guys, but they never approach me, I guess they are not interested.” Now sure, there is also the stereotype of the Asian aggressive, loud, clownish buffoon like Ken Jeong or William Hung. But you got to pick your poison, when asian stereotypes directly contradict each other. How can Asians be too quiet and too loud, too smart and too dumb, too skinny and too fat? When both sides are poison, pick the one that suits you. And so if you are confirming, the loud, clownish, aggressive, lascivious, lustful stereotype for Asian men, then at least you are not being meek and asexual. You are always citing that OKcupid study, that says White women wont even respond to Asian men, unless they make $260K more than a white man. Well, they can’t hide behind a computer screen in real life. Every time you talk to a girl in person, and she is forced to at least reject you, you have just made $250K. So you should reject the false contrast between being a You Clown and a Hapa Clown. Both are progress.
I: Can Eurasian issues be merged into the retard issues of 2010? Can I just say that being Half-Asian, is being Mongoloid Down Syndrome. And if it makes me a clownish retard so be it. I don’t have any easy answers. But its true, I do have to think about why its worse to be judged for my race than for the content of my character. If both suck anyway. Sure its more ‘fair’ to be judged for Heart not Color. But the end result for both is the same. I suck. I’m a freakish, mutant retard. But perhaps this just detracts from me as an individual. If being Hapa, means enduring such hatred from humanity. Then perhaps I was wrong to think, that they would even accept my unconditional surrender. Perhaps society just wants me dead. I just don’t see how I can live this low. If I could just stay away from people, that would satisfy me. But it seems I’m not going to be obliged on that. I just don’t see me as a functional member of society. And it is primarily because of the Hapa people see in me.
U: You admit that there is at least a minority of people, who don’t judge you for being Hapa? At least not in outward behavior. And as we discussed, no point peering into souls.
I: I think there are some, decent, good people in this world. Although I haven’t met any. But even good people, are just civil and polite to me. And I appreciate them for this. But they will always hold me at arms length. As a Hapa, I will always be alone, even among good people. To refer to the Hapa girl book yet again. She believes exactly what I believe. She hates fetishes and American imperialism. And yet she doesn’t trust Hapa men. So like I said in 2011, good people will hate me for good reasons. And I don’t want to deny the goodness of good people. But they are good in their own groove doing their own thing. It doesn’t mean we can or should expect them to be good to Hapas. They are independent issues. And its impossible to associate with only good people. A man has to work to eat. And your bosses and employees are determined by the market, not morality. And so if you end up with people you hate, you are still stuck with them for the paycheck.
U: Do you feel the coworkers you have had in the past have judged you for being Hapa? Even if they have been assholes, can you really say they were racial issues.
I: Its because we weren’t close. If we got closer, Hapa issues would have to come up.
U: Then don’t get close. Alright maybe you can never rise above middle management because of the Bamboo ceiling. If you reached the Bamboo ceiling, that would be much higher than anything expected of you now.
I: And what do I get out of all this surrendering? The privilege of living among people who hate and despise me?
U: You admit, that when you look at the world situation, with all the evil in it, there is also much progress to be proud of. So many ways the world has gotten better, even if in other ways it worse. If you could escape your Eurasian particularity, you would find much to cherish in the world, even with its evils.
I: One of the most important components of world progress is, the economic development of East Asia. The Asian Tiger Economies and now the rise of China. This is one of the great success stories of the times. Lifting billions out of poverty into middle-income. Moderate prosperity. But we can’t pretend that human sexuality isn’t a part of well-being. And so if the net result of South Korea, Taiwan, Japan, Singapore, Hong Kong, Coastal China, becoming 1st world economies, is that Asian men have to live like Asian-American men, is that a success? All those countries are hotbeds of WMAF. And so it seems you can’t say WMAF is driven by economics, since the WMAF situation is much worse in Japan and South Korea than in India. Maybe its an improvement over being a peasant. But if all of Asia, is going to be reduced to the status of Asian-American men. I can’t take too much pleasure in the economic progress. And it doesn’t really affect me directly, except negatively. The rise of Japan lead to the internment camps, and then Vincent Chin’s murder during the economic rise. So we can’t say that the rise of China, will mean anything good for Asians actually living in America. Other than the rise of hostility and racial hatred. I don’t want to discount the importance of economics, as someone living in America. But it definitely takes the glimmer off the miracle, if so much of the aspects of human flourishing is denied to Asians, even with their wealth. To some extent, Asians themselves are to blame for this. South Korea and Japan are major media centers, and they could be releasing an AMWF Romance flick every year, if their markets demanded it.