How do I live in a society that universally rejects me? Go to any high school or college, and you will see that kids organize along racial lines, naturally. Race is like the team jersey. If you are not one of us, you are the Other. The most popular campus activities are all ethnic clubs. It is clear I will never be friends with whites, since I’m just an Asian to them. The Ballad of Sherman Wu, tells the story of a Chinese student who was pledge to a Fraternity. But they withdrew his bid, specifically because white girls would not want to go to parties with a Chinese guy. Even if I were to become a Monk, and totally give up on sexuality. Men would not want me around them, because they still care about girls, and it seems that Asian men are the untouchables among women.
Make Asian friends. I’m not just a white guy to Asians. I’m a Eurasian man. The son of WMAF. That is worse than being full white. Putting myself into the shoes of an Asian man, would I want to be friends with a WMAF son? Would I care that WMAF produces miserable sons? Would I feel he was one of my own? No! I would hate WMAF, and if their children are miserable, good riddance. I would have no wish to befriend the living embodiment of my racial emasculation. Kip Fulbeck in his Hapa autobiography, specifically talks about full-Asian men resenting Hapa males, for they see the WMAF in them. As an
asian-looking Hapa, I totally see where they are coming from in their resenting WMAF. And if I was in their shoes, I would not want to befriend the son of WMAF.
Therefore, the Hapa male will never be accepted by any race. To non-Asians, he is just an Asian. To Asians, he is a reminder of their racial humiliation. No wonder Amerasians were such a hated class in Vietnam, after they won the war. They were a reminder of imperialist rape. The sons of your nation’s enemies, and the women who slept with your enemies. How should Vietnam have treated the sons of American GIs and Sucky-Sucky prostitutes? This is the fate of Amerasians, even when the Asians win. They will be accepted no where.
It is clear, that as a Hapa, I will never belong to any human society. There is a Chinese Wall between us. There will never be openess between me and the human race. I’m forever condemned to be an exiled and an outcast from my species. I will never know a single act of kindness.
My life is a burden, because I live, and must
probably always live, with men whose
thoughts and manners are as different from
mine as the silver moonlight is different from
the light of the sun. I cannot, then, follow
the only manner of living that could make
life bearable for me, whence it follows that I
feel aversion for everything.
I will never belong to the human race. I will never be accepted by anyone. There will always be 1000 miles between us. I might as well be a Martian. There is no place I can call home. It is clear I can’t go ‘back’ to Asia. That is not my country either. I would just be an English-speaking immigrant, an illiterate, with no language, no relations, no roots, no home. I would be in Asia, what a Mexican illegal immigrant is in America. This is the life I could look forward to in my mother’s homeland. In Asia I would be an illiterate skilless me no speakee English bum. While in America, I metaphorically feel like no one understands my words. In Asia, that would literally be true. My inability to communicate with my fellow man, and make myself understood would no longer be poetry, but my daily life.
I can wander to the ends of this earth. And everywhere I will be an outcast. Hapa is my only friend. For only Hapa follows me everywhere. When ever another human sees me, they will always see Hapa in me. Try as I run and hide, I can never escape it. If there is something that is always with me it is Hapa. Misery is my only friend and companion. Self-hatred the only love I have ever known. A stranger in the strangest land.
I just don’t know how to do it. Perhaps a man better than me could live this Hapa life. But then he wouldn’t be Hapa. It is an impossible burden this Hapa life. It is not imposed on me with love and kindness. But by WMAF, which laughs and mocks my misfortune. There is nothing to preserve in me. If I were to die, genes I hate would die. It would be no tragedy to me. I was cursed to be me. To be hated from childhood to now. I will never outgrow being Hapa. I could have ended my life, when I was 5 years old. It never got any better. My life started out horrible, and somehow managed to get continuously worse.
I don’t know if this sad earth, will ever solve her problems. All I know, is that I as a Hapa man have no truck with it. Its none of my business. I’m in my own Hapa hell, independent of the world’s own woes. I can do nothing for this world, for I can’t resolve my Hapa issues. And it is clear that the World, doesn’t want me either. I have no place in it. There will never be understanding between me and my fellow man. They will always see a disgusting Eurasian abomination in me. They will coldly turn their shoulders on me. We are further apart than different species. A dog mutt can be loved more than a human mutt. Even the least desired mutt dog breed, which nobody wants, is cute and adorable, compared to a human mutt. When people talk about how dog mutt breeds, are the least wanted breed, I’m reminded that even they are more wanted than me. The careful hand of the breeder, delicately crafted generation after generation is thrown away in a mutt.
This is how I feel when I look into the eyes of a grey-eyed blonde. Grey eyes are so delicate. At first I couldn’t even tell the difference between blue and grey eyes. But the analogy was put of a blue sky on a cloudy, stormy day. The storm in her eyes. Looking into a Hapa. It is sacrilege to see my Hapa reflection in her eyes. Asians are exotic? There is nothing less unique, more common, than brown eyes and black hair. Do you failed genetics students, think you will find green, blue, violet, grey eyes in the offspring of an Asian? Do you think, that which took 1000 generations to craft, can be rebuilt? They are gone forever. The sons of WMAF might as well have had Asian dads, as far as their genetic legacy is concerned. You stupid, stupid, failed genetics students. And your idiotic delusions of crafting a master race with East Aryans. You don’t like Western Women and their special little snowflake entitlement? I promise you, you will never find anything special at all, in your ‘exotic’ brown eyes and pitch black hair. Pitch black to usher in the eternal night of the human race.
The Hapa girl, from my book link, says that white men leering at her makes her feel “As special as a sex doll in an adult video shop”. This is what it means to be special and unique for the Hapa race. And she feels that even Half-White Hapa males do this to her. This is the sickness of our breed.
A special little Hapa mutt. Thats what I’m. Thats what we all are. I don’t know how to feel anymore. What is there to bother feeling? I will still be a Hapa. Twigs is a Scandinavian woman, who recommends I move to Scandinavia, where the Sami women will find my Eurasian heritage so exotic and special. Oh excuse me. She would recommend it, except that she says I have a wife. And I guess my “wife” wouldn’t like it.
Do I look to you like a Eurasian who has a wife? Who would have a wife? Would I be here, blogging to you, if I had a wife? IDK how anyone could read a single entry of mine, and talk about me having a wife. Anyway it is clear that Scandie women, do not find Hapas very special or exotic.
I hate my background and I hate when women bring it up. I mentioned in my last entry, the two incidents in my life when white women asked me about my heritage. Perhaps they were curious about my exoticness. I hated that HS freshman girl, for asking my that question. I considered it a vicious racial assault upon myself. And I did not take it as innocent at all.
But you know what? It just one of the innumerable ways, I will forever be cutoff from Americans. Maybe it would be better off if I had just been born full Asian-American male, even with all the crap that comes with it. At least then I would be an Asian is an Asian is an Asian. I would not foolishly attempt to run away from it. There would be no chance for me to pretend I’m not Asian. I would be Asian and that would be the end of it. As a Hapa man, there is always the false hope, that I can escape the hellishness of Asian-American male life. I have been running away from it since 1st grade. But its clear I shall never escape the Asian orbit. A Hapa I was born and a Hapa I will die. Just being reminded that I’m Half-Asian has been a dagger through my heart. Growing up, there was no worse insult for me, than to be called Asian. It was the worst slur imaginable. So casually they destroyed me.
I was cursed to inhabit this planet, put into the body of a Hapa. Obviously Hapas have to be born. A lot of them too. Since there are so many WMAFs. And it fell to me. I had the destiny to be Hapa. Because other people WMAF, I had to be Hapa. This is the cosmic law of biology. When someone chooses to WMAF, a Hapa has to be born, whether he wants to or not. And I don’t care if your Hapa is a cute little baby. See if he will be a cute little teenager. I was such a cute toddler, that my mom tried to get me into clothing modelling, but I was too ill behaved. Perhaps I was already crying for the horrible future I knew was coming. This is the fate of your cute Hapa babies. All babies are cute. If the best thing you can say about WMAF is that the babies are cute, you are in deep trouble. Come back to me, when you can brag about your cute Hapa teens and men. When you can name WMAF sons without cheating and naming Russians, AMWFs and Turks.
As long as I’m alive, I’m just gonna keep on being Hapa. I don’t want to. But society wont let me be anything else. And I will inhabit a society that is the opposite of me. Hated and hounded from all directions. Human refuge. The trashy byproduct of WMAF. Thats all I’m, the byproduct of wmaf. Like a factory letting off toxic fumes. WMAF lets off Hapas.
I wish I could run away from me. But I’m forced to be the man I was born to be. A Eurasian. Half White, Half Asian. Already in 2nd grade, I knew those words would define me for life. And I was right. I will never know happiness or humanity. I will only be on the receiving end of your hatred. This is my Eurasian life.