I: It is clear that I have to do everything. While there have been plenty of hostile and angry comments on my blog, there have been no genuine critiques that really address Eurasian issues. You want something done right, you have to do it yourself. I will even have to write my own criticism of me, so that I can respond to it. The current criticism, is so useless, it does not even stimulate me to deepen my own position. It is appropriate that I dialogue with myself. A mutt is Janus-faced by nature. Always dividing into two. And I’m indeed my own worst enemy, and don’t expect me to be soft on me.
U: Why did u come back here? What do u hope to achieve? I thought u learned ur lesson when u left this blog. There is nothing for u here, but pain and suffering. Words will never solve your problem. If you want to live, live. If life is impossible, then die. But ur no closer to the truth now, than in 2011. These words are useless.
I: It is true, I have tried to avoid this blog since 2011. I wanted to stop depressing myself. If I could be up and happy, I could forget about these Hapa pains. I didn’t want Hapa issues to distract from my real life. But now I have no real life. And no future life, to look forward to, and so there is no reason not to dwell on these Hapa issues until my end.
U: Why do u feel these issues are uniquely Hapa?
I: I feel that sufficient empirical evidence exists that proves these issues are not unique to me, but come from being a WMAF son. I would say the 3 sources are personal experience, sociological studies and Internet/media anecdotes. I feel that combined, they are impossible to ignore. It is not by accident that Asian men are where they are. And as I have said, I have no desire to live the life of a regular Asian man. And I don’t think I can be an extraordinary Asian man. But the life of a regular white guy isn’t so bad. Thats why in the past when I wrote about my depression from the point of view of a generic male, it wasn’t so hard to crawl out of. Because the life of a regular didn’t look so bad. But I can’t say the life of an Asian male isn’t so bad. If races are not exactly equal, as so many want to claim, then there has to be a worst race and I’m in it. And as the son of WMAF, I’m born of the consequences of being in the worst race.
U: What do u feel people owe you? What does white women, Asian women, White men owe you?
I: With the exception of my parents, who owe me everything, for causing this horrible birth against my will. No one owes me anything. I would like at the least, to just be treated as an ordinary human being. But I see this is asking for too much. Its true I’m born of WMAF, but that doesn’t put me in any relation to WMAFs other than my parents. I don’t like the position Asian women occupy in the racial-sexual hierarchy. I perceive them to be basically easy prostitutes for white nerds. And its impossible to separate this from a judgment on Asian males as the worst race of males. If Asian women, unlike all other women, are so willing to settle for the worst of white males, clearly this is about Asian men. Ideally as a Eurasian man, I would like nothing to do with Asian women. But people see the Asian in me. And sadly me and Asian women both belong to this common category of Asian. And so when Asian women degrade the term Asian, it reflects on my value as a Half-Asian male. Now both me and Asian women, would be quite happy if we could have a racial divorce and have nothing to do with each other. But White America will never grant it. They will see an Asian in me, and in Asian women. And we are stuck in this feedback loop. It is in this sense that the individual choices of Asian women, do have a direct repercussion on me personally. And even more so, on their own Hapa sons. Who I predict will feel like me. Because I believe that my feelings were shaped by the objective social structures.
U: And so if u could be granted this “racial divorce” and not be associated with Asian women, WMAF would mean nothing to you?
I: Of course, the WMAF of my parents means something. And WMAF is going to mean something to their Hapa sons. But yes, I think that is basically correct. I here some Hapas, especially those with Southeast Asian moms, can pass for ambiguous Latinos. If I was considered Hispanic, and no one thought of me as Asian. Then yes, I suppose, other than my parents, WMAF would be nothing to me. It would still be an evil in the world. At least as it exists now. But it wouldn’t be my personal problem and I could ignore it. While I was never happy about being an Asian child, it wasn’t until my late teens, that I really understood WMAF as an ideology. I didn’t know any other WMAF families or Hapas. And so in that sense being Eurasian, made me unique. I didn’t realize I was part of a much larger social trend. While I was always self-conscious about being Asian, I didn’t feel the same emasculation from having WMAF parents.
U: Its clear you don’t like Asian women at all. If it is all about white women, then how much do you think WMAF affects their rejection of you? And I mean individual white women. Jamie, Alice, Cindy. Lets not talk about white women as a sociological group. Lets say Jamie. Do you feel that Jamie thinks less of you as a Eurasian man? Do you think WMAF is to blame for this? I know you don’t like to place any blame on your white little angels. But to what extent are white women responsible for this? In an ideal colorblind society, there would be a lot of WMAF, and also a lot of AMWF. Neither Asian or white, men or women, would favor their race over the other. There is nothing intrinsically wrong with an Asian women considering white and asian men to be equal prospects. The problem is with the specific conditions it has manifested itself in 2014 USA, in the context of Asian emasculation and white-worship. But in an ideal multicultural society, the problem is not that WMAF is too high, but that AMWF is too low. Granted its not just quantity but quality. U make the case, that the biggest problem of WMAF is its low quality and all the ideological baggage that comes with it.
I: I don’t believe that any race of man ‘owns’ his women. But the frame of reference must be the choice of other women as it actually exists. And the fact of the matter is that every other race of women, but Asian, favors their own race. And this is just a fact. If Patriarchy is primarily about the goal of controlling the sexual choices of your women, we would have to conclude that Asian society is the least patriarchal. Therefore, I don’t feel its unreasonable to hold white women to a lower standard. It is objectively worse that Asian women prefer white men, than that white women prefer white men. The white woman is in some sense being natural, while the Asian woman is being abnormally unnatural. So if white women reject me for my race, I don’t hold them as responsible for it. Although of course, it is hurtful to be rejected as a male, solely for the color of my skin in 2014. I don’t mind being rejected for me. But to be disqualified, simply because of the race, I was born with. Supposedly American society has moved passed this in 2014. As for individual white girls. I can’t read their minds or peer into their souls. IDK how much of a factor race is precisely for them. On an individual level, just about every insult you can make about a man personally. Is applied en masse to Asian men as a stereotype. Thats bound to have an affect. And you have non-stop Hollywood and the media pounding this message in. So yeah, even if the white girl doesn’t say it explicitly, I believe it plays its part.
U: So its never going to be about you and the individual white girl? You are always going to bring in these sociological facts. And its impossible to tell the difference in behavior. If she shows all the signs of being nice or even interested. If she smiles and laughs and even flirts. She is just humoring you. So even if a woman were to show you every single sign of attraction, you could still tack it up to entertainment. Even making fun of you. And all right, some
stereotypes, theres nothing you can do. But many of the stereotypes of the Asian male, are determined by personality and character. And you have the opportunity to show, to prove, that your the opposite of that.
I: I mean I had my fun. I don’t hold anything against the many white girls I talked to personally. I cherish the moments we share. Perhaps its corny and lame, to my internet audience. And maybe I shouldn’t even bother talking about such personal intimacies, on such a screwed up blog. But I value those moments for what they are. But at the end of the day, they say nothing to my SEML issues. Its true there was that one European fashion model, I came within a hair’s breath of a lunchdate with. Or supposedly. IDK, maybe she was just making fun of me. Or probably having lunch with her, wouldn’t really be a date anyway. I don’t want to oversell it. But with those disclaimers, yeah, if it had actually happened. Maybe it would have poked a few holes in SEML. But it didn’t. And probably it couldn’t have. Although it was only accidental factors that sunk it.
U: Alright. Lets grant that on account of your race and mixing, human sexuality is forever denied to you. And thats no small thing. The Darwinians would say a male exists only for sexual selection, and there is no life without it. But lets say there can be meaning without romantic relationships. There is more to life than girls. You knew that. Perhaps you’ve switched from one extreme to the other on this score. From totally denying sexuality. To accepting the Pop Darwinism, that its all that males are about. You know there is much richness to the world outside of sex. And much evil, hardship, sadism and cruelty as well. But its not all bad. Sometimes you can laugh and relax. And forget about all the crap. Maybe you need to be a little more stupid and simpleton. Forget about all the Big Picture troubles of the world, and just have a little fun. Forget about conquering the world. Just find your little, safe, peaceful corner, and carve out a little happiness.
I: I have been complaining about being Half-Asian, long before I focused in on sexuality as the worst part of it. There are plenty of social, economic, cultural, political, and safety reasons I hate being Half-Asian in America. And on top of that, I have plenty to hate the world for as a generic white male.
U: And those might be legitimate grievances. But you can overcome them. As a generic man, you are willing to surrender to US culture and all that comes with it. In that sense it is totally racial. Because you say, that if you were any race but Eurasian, you could accept life, even with the bad parts.
I: And that is a big concession. An unconditional surrender, I would even call it. V-J day. But its clear to me now, that America doesn’t even want to accept my surrender. I’m not worth enslaving. Yeah, maybe I could live as an ordinary guy. But I’m a Eurasian guy. So what about my half-Asian issues? And this is totally forgetting about girls. Forget romance, sex, relationships. Even in a sexless world, I still don’t want to be a Eurasian male, for a whole host of reasons. And really this was my position from 2009 and earlier. I wasn’t as focused on Asian male emasculation. But I already knew, that Asian was the worst race to be, for a host of reasons.
U: And you don’t see any possibility of finding your place in this world? Find some people you can get along with. Who don’t bring up race with you. Find a generic interest, that a man of any race could be into. Again, forget the Big Picture, and just have a little happiness in your corner of the world.
I: Its a little too late for that. I’m at the stage of my life, when I should have already transitioned into adulthood. Get a job, earn a living, make a career. And I have no incentive or motivation to do it, since I don’t feel like my life is worth supporting. I can’t be convinced that the Eurasian life is worth living. And I’ve never been presented with evidence to the contrary. Its all my WMAF parents fault. I’m not a vengeful, spiteful person. Even though, they have wronged me, beyond repair, I’m willing to forgive. I would make peace on reasonable terms with them. They didn’t know the full consequences of their decision. But now they have to live with it. They have a worthless, Eurasian son. And if they were willing to support me for life, and let me hide from a society that hates me. That would make up for their mistake. But I’m not going to lift a finger, to keep this Eurasian life going. If they gave in to my reasonable demands, I could delete this blog tomorrow, and forget about being Eurasian. Forget that Asians even exist. And be willing to live a life, without committing suicide. Instead they put the responsibility for this Eurasian life on me. Well, I will tell them, where they can shove this Eurasian life.
U: Then there is some good in this life. If you could avoid all contact with society, you would have some hobbies to occupy you for the next 60 years or so.
I: I’m not sure I’d want to live that long under any conditions. But sure, I could easily see another 10 years slipping by, and that becomes 20. I admit its not much of a life. But theres not much a Eurasian guy can do either way. It wouldn’t be a great life. But it be tolerable enough to delay suicide. But yeah, living in a society, surrounded by pure hatred for me. No sane man could endure it. How am I supposed to constantly be around people who hate me? I barely made it out of childhood. And it never got any better. And frankly its amazing, and a testament to my character, that I made it alive this long. Its a very long time, to endure continuous hatred from every human you meet. None of my sanctimonious feel-good commentators could endure a week of it. The worst day of their lives, is my entire life. I’m amazed I made it as long as I have. I had good enough reason to kill myself when I was 5 years old. And if I knew it doesn’t get better, I probably would have. If you had told me in 1st grade, this is the 1st day, of the rest of your life. I could have killed myself right then. I’ve given this whole life thing enough of a chance. And I’m not saying Eurasianess is everything. But even in 2nd grade, I knew being half-white and half-asian was what defined my identity. And I already knew, having an Asian mom, was something to be ashamed of. These are my earliest childhood memories. Being ashamed to be Half Asian. Pretending I didn’t have an Asian mom. How does a child learn so young, to hate his own race? To feel shame at his mom for her race? I didn’t learn this from any blog or stats. This was my childhood.
U: Why do you have to peer into people’s souls and read their minds? Lets say that Google and stats is a way of reading minds. Give up that superpower. Who cares what people really think of you? Lets be behaviorist, and only judge them by observed empirical behavior. Forget what they might or might not be thinking. Then, have the last few years really been that bad? Ok, yes people see you as Asian. And you hate being Half-Asian. You hate being reminded of it. But it hasn’t come up all that much. There really haven’t been that much attention paid to your Asianess. And there are just as much, or at least many incidents of the opposite. Of people drawing attention to the fact that you are not full-Asian. Recognizing your Eurasianess. Maybe you don’t like this either. Its not fun, being asked ‘what are you?’ But that very curiosity, is a recognition that you’re not just Asian. Which is a plus, if you believe that being Asian is the worst thing ever. And also, you left this blog with the plan to lie to people that you had AMWF parents. And you barely had any opportunities to tell this lie. And this in itself is a type of proof, that you aren’t constantly being bombarded with “what are you?” “where are you from?”. Had anyone asked you for your origins, you had a whole story prepared on how your Asian dad and white mom met. The fact that you haven’t had to tell this story, is a sort of proof, that people aren’t constantly seeing race in you. Or at least are keeping their mouths shut about it. And only their observed behavior and spoken words matter. Quit pretending u can read souls.
I: If life is so bad as a Half-Asian male, why should I accept it?
U: Lets look specifically at the worst parts of being Asian. There is outright hatred based on being a foreign enemy. And yeah thats the worst most direct assault. And I guess theres no real way to avoid this, other than being safe, and trying to avoid racist people. Perhaps building up a posse for protection. There is sexuality, which you can completely give up on. There is the bamboo ceiling. But that problem is with Asians trying to move up to upper management. You can have a decent job and salary even beneath the ceiling.
I: And what about the feeling that I’m hated by everyone?
U: You will be hated by some people. Perhaps a better term for what most people will feel for you is contempt. They wont hate you, in the sense of being emotionally angry or enraged at you. Although some might be. But for most, it’ll just mean thinking lowly of you. Perhaps dropping insults from time to time. Is this too much for you?
I: Its a lot to ask of me, if thats ALL I can expect from social interaction. Nothing but the contempt of my peers. To have everyone I know look down on me as garbage. Even if they are not physically attacking me, its hard to live like that. And there is so much hatred and disgust towards Asians, as though they are subhuman bugs. We can’t rule out physical assault. No, I don’t think I can easily live among people, who think I’m trash, who see an insect in me. Maybe you think I’m too sensitive and thin-skinned. But enoughs enough. No career, no hope for love, and now everyone thinks I’m trash, even in my sexless life. What kind of life is this to cling to? I’ve given up all hopes for higher spiritual fulfillment. I just want some quiet pleasures in my corner of the world. But it seems even little happiness, will escape me. If this is really what Americans think of, then no, I don’t think I can live among them. Forget love. Just as a normal worker drone. I can’t live like that. And I have no incentive to. It isn’t reasonable to ask that of a man. And lets not just drop sex like its nothing. In case you haven’t noticed male-female relations are kind of a big deal. And to be told, that I’m going to be totally denied any chance of it. Simply because of the race I was born into, in 2014, when race is supposedly dead. That to know that, I’m not a male, to men or women, in American society. To be denied my biological sex. Yeah, it is kind of a big deal. I’m not saying anyone has to date me. But to say, I’m automatically, disqualified, off limits, untouchable, based on the race I was born with. Yeah, it is a big deal.
U: Now AMWF does happen, so you can’t say Asian men are complete untouchables.
I: Yeah, I’ve seen them. Although its been a couple of years, since I’ve seen my last one in person. While I see WMAF everywhere. Anyway, I’m not a full-Asian male. And I’ve addressed the uncanny valley. Show me an example of a WMAF Hapa, with a white girlfriend. Furthermore, even if you prove to me that the super-elite of full-Asian men can get white girls, that says absolutely nothing to me as a Eurasian underclass.
U: You can’t say that these white women disqualify you, just for being Half-Asian, if they AMWF.
I: At what price? The online dating survey said that an Asian man had to make $250K more than a white man to date a white woman. So yeah, these open-minded white women have not totally disqualified Asian men. They are willing to date him, if hes a millionaire. They haven’t crossed me out, they just demand millions. This is progress. This is hope.
U: Then there really is no hope for you?
I: What does life have to offer me? I don’t like the state of the world to begin with, and this is speaking as a white man. Ok, I can put that aside and just live my small, quiet life. But wait, then I’m a Hapa. And so all the little, small joys of life are denied to me. I hate the public world, and I’m denied the enjoyment of private pleasures. And so life, is nothing but a hell to me. It would be rational to suicide in a world like this, even if I was a comfortable white man like Mitchel Heisman. But as a Eurasian, this is just hell. Its burning. Its not a life anyone can live. How am I supposed to live, when it is impossible for me to expect any good out of this world?