In 2009-2010, I was sure I wanted to die. I hated the world and nature of existence. This wasn’t a universe I wanted to belong to. I spent a lot of time thinking of the biological nature of humanity, and made a lot of pessimistic posts on Roissysphere blogs. I had my own blog that pessimistically examined the sociobiology of human sexuality. Race was only hinted at, when I talked about r-K selection theory. With Asians as the most K selected race. I was already thinking about these WMAF son issues for some point at this time. But that wasn’t my primary focus. It was more cosmic issues like those dealt with in Mitchel Heisman’s 3000 page suicide note. I didn’t kill myself in 2010, and I felt a sense of relief. That wow I really do suck. I’m too cowardly to even kill myself. With all my rational reasons for death, I cling to death out of biological instinct, despite my own hatred for human biology and our selfish gene machines. In some sense, it was liberating to hit rock bottom. To know what a piece of crap I really was. I didn’t deserve any better than slavery, and so I could accept my lot in life. At this point I thought of myself as a Man and not a Eurasian Man. And I was willing to fail and be humiliated as a Man, in ways I’m not willing as a Eurasian Man. I wasn’t worried about shaming manhood in general, the way I’m about Eurasian Manhood.
I had some good times from 2010-2012. I spoke to hundreds of white girls. I had regular contact with about 30 of them. And some sweet memories of about 10 of them. Those were gentler times. Its true I wrote SEML in 2011, in the middle of it all. But it was still the happiest time of my miserable life. SEML in June 2011 was me at my most joyful bliss.
I came full circle. In 2010 I decided to fully accept American culture, and everything that comes with it, especially the parts I had hated in the past. But by accepting US culture so strongly, I quickly relearned my teen lessons of why I had rejected it, in the 1st place. While I might want to be a regular, ordinary American. As a Half-Asian man, that was never granted to me. Its not like I had so many racist incidents in that time period. The worst would be the time, they didn’t know my name, and jokingly called me Jackie Chan. Its not like thats such a vicious insult. But I’m thin-skinned about even being reminded of my Asianess. Its a reminder that Eurasian or not, I will always be defined by most people as an Asian male. My genes and personal experience, mean nothing. If the phenotype is Asian, then I’m to all intents and purposes, Asian to the world. And so in high school, I took any comments about me being Asian, as a horrible racist insult. The very idea of me being Asian, was a personal insult to me. And you have to ask, why is it that from such a young age, as early as 2nd grade, I already knew I wanted to be anything but Asian? What is it about being Asian male, that makes it so clear to a child, that it is the worst kind of male to be? How are you supposed to grow up psychologically healthy from that?
I dwell on the past, to come to my main point. Which is am I letting the Internet poison my brain? It was not all roses and sunshine in the real world. And I don’t believe you can just wave your hand, and say all internet negativity is just trolls. After all, people are not angels in real life. They are plenty vicious in meatspace too. And there is a real human being behind all those comments. And the other thing to keep in mind, is that many of these comments were never even meant for public consumption. These are just conversations taking place within communities throughout the web. They are not conscious of the public audience they are broadcasting to. In that sense Google is like reading people’s minds. But that superpower is more of a curse. I’d be a lot happier, not knowing all the ugliness around me. Living in ignorant bliss.
And when you have the ugly WMAF rhetoric and the emasculation of Asian men. You can’t just say thats just internet trolls. Because we have objective statistics and psychological experimental studies that shows, that real world behavior matches up with the ideology. The real world facts, are perfectly consistent with WMAF rhetoric. So I’m not just going to brush it aside as factless propaganda. If Columbia University, does a speed dating experiment, that determines that women of all races, including Asian, consider Asian men to be the least attractive by far. I’m inclined to consider it evidence. You can point out flaws, but this is the best human social experimentation we can do. And it matches with the online dating data, and the US Census. So each piece of evidence might have its own limits. But when all the independent studies universally point in a single direction, its hard to ignore it.
And so yes, I have let the internet influence my views of race and sex, beyond just my personal experiences. Perhaps it was a mistake to go into isolation in 2013. It was an attempt to lock myself off, from the evils of humanity. But by in large, humans are even more evil online than offline. And so in that sense, I’ve locked myself in with the tigers. Exposed to more of the brutality of human nature, than ever before. Maybe I should take a little break from this Hapa fixation. It is naval-gazing, to constantly dwell on how I’m the worst race ever. Its hard for me to bother about anything else, knowing the situation for me is that bad.
Besides I’ve done plenty of my own writing on Hapa issues. So if anyone is poisoning my brain, its not the internet, its me. I’ve done more to zero in on Hapa male issues, than anyone else. So if I’m being poisoned by negativity about Hapas, its self-inflicted. I’m never going to just smile and be happy. If I can’t get over what I consider to be the facts of the Hapa case, I will never move on.
Maybe I should take a break from this Hapa crap. But since I’ve come back to it, its impossible to stop. Unless I resolve it to my satisfaction. Its not like I fixed any problems in 2011, I just bracketed them and put them on hold for a while. So yeah I could stop thinking about Hapas for a few weeks. But my life is still a worthless Hapa life. I still have nothing to hope for. And so I’ll be back again. I can’t change my thoughts, if the objective reality is as hellish as I say it is.