My mantra could be “It doesn’t get better”. In the same way it hasn’t gotten better for Eurasians since the 1990s, it seems that the climate for my blog is much more hostile now than it was in 2011. Maybe it was a mistake coming back. I have always had confidence in words to make myself understood. This is why I never had any interest in linguistics or philosophy of language. I always felt that if one spoke, clearly and precisely enough one could convey one’s full thoughts to another. Sure there would be misunderstandings and disagreements. But with enough give and take, and clarification, any idea could be conveyed to any party. In my 2014, blog I feel like I’m slamming my head against a brick wall. That no matter how calm and precise and clinical I try to be about these issues. I will always be misunderstood, misinterpreted, caricature, villianized, strawmanned, and taken out of context.
It reminds me of why I left this behind in 2011 in the 1st place. I just felt that since there were fellow Eurasians, reaching out to me on this blog, in such dire straights, I couldn’t remain silent. I had to reach out to them. It seems my fellow Eurasians understand where I’m coming from. Even many Eurasian females, can relate to their relationship with their parents.
IDK, the internet being what it is, I guess there will never be an honest discussion about race and sexuality, without it being hijacked by hysterics on all sides. I feel like this enterprise has been a failure. That I’m even less able to convey what it means to be Eurasian in 2014 than I was in 2011. I thought being more personally open, would help humanize me to you. But it is has just opened more wounds to attack, than when I maintained a more coldly sociological approach. I was hoping I could open up more about my personal story, about why Eurasian had come to mean what it did to me. But I see you will just use my honesty as grounds to diminish me.
This has been rather than tiring for me. And I feel like I lack the ability to explain what it means to be Eurasian. Maybe I should have just left the closed book in 2011. Maybe it I had already said it all. Just as my life has grown harsher since then, it seems like reactions to me have as well. Sure I got lot of hate in 2011. But there were also people of understanding and empathy. Now I fear there is no good-will towards Eurasians at all.
Probably I was wrong to put my biography front and center. By individualizing it, I just helped to diminish the real structural problems of being Eurasian, I was trying to make. IT feels impossible to communicate. I should have just left SEML in 2011 as a complete work.
This has not been very useful to me, other than confirming me in my beliefs that the world does not care nor does it want to understand the struggles of Eurasians. It is much easier to just make me an evil person, just for speaking my views honestly. The cat is out of the bag now. I did come back, and so SEML is reopened. I can’t just shut the book again. It is no longer a completed whole.
Hopefully, some of what I wrote will not be entirely useless. I have not ‘outgrown’ my issues since 2011, as some predicted I would. Rather I have had more time to reflect and dwell on it. And I think I have a more thorough, mature, comprehensive grasp of what it means to be Eurasian. I have tried to convey some of these new insights in my recent posts. Perhaps they might be of some use to my fellow Eurasians.
I’m so very tired of this. At this point, all I can say, is either I’m right or I’m wrong about being Eurasian. Either other Eurasians will read this and say “yes! this is my story, I relate to this.” Or they will dismiss me, and say I speak nothing to their experience. As an individual I don’t matter anymore. Either I’m just using Eurasianess as an excuse, scapegoat, crutch as many have accused me of. Or I’m just one among many Eurasians suffering from the same core issues, as I contend. I have been the most vocal about it. There is no Eurasian identity yet, it is still in formation. And if a Eurasian does come across my blog, in forming his identity, it’ll be his choice to accept or deny my message. It seems useless to speak to white or asian people at this point. Either Eurasians will agree with me or they wont. Only the son of a white dad and asian mom, can decide if I’m right or not. Obviously there are many Eurasian commentators who do agree with me. But whether the coming generation of Eurasians will embrace or refute my message, remains to be seen. IT is an empirical question. WMAF sons are either who I say they are, or they are not. There are definitely some who feel as I do. We will see if they are the majority or not.
What more can I do? It will be up to the individual Eurasian, to navigate his own life as he sees fit. To define his own relationship to his WMAF parents, as he deems necessary. It took me many years to articulate all these shadows inside me into the light. I hope perhaps, I can spare some Eurasians this torturous journey. That when they first begin to have an inkling of my insights, they can just Google and find me. And I can be a lighthouse to them, in the dark waters of Hapaness. They wont have to reinvent the wheel, and make all my painful discoveries over again step by step over years. In this sense I think my blog has done good. And I think I’m doing the right thing, in adding to it now, even if it is painful to me.
This negative experience, has just confirmed me in my views, that I will never fit into society. If I can’t even make my deepest Eurasian issues, understood to an online audience, when I have unlimited text, what hope is there for communication, dialogue and reconciliation? Hapaness is just my cross to carry, and no one else cares.
I’m sorry I came back. But even if I have failed with the majority, if there are at least some who will benefit from my added Eurasian message, then maybe this wont have been all in vain.