For what may we hope? There is not much a Eurasian has to look forward to in life. It gets better. Not for a Eurasian. It always gets worse. An Asian girl dating a white guy, posted a comment here in 2011, telling me to come back to this blog in 4 years. And see how foolish I would sound to the future, older me. The future is here. And the SEML of 2011 does seem foolish. He was too much of an optimist and idealist. He believed things could get better. If he was full of rage, it was at the injustices he still believed could be righted. I’m somewhat mellowed out now. I don’t have the same raw anger, of a radical who believes the world can still be changed. Now I’m tired and prematurely old. The goal of my writing, is not justice but truth. I don’t expect things to be made better. I just want people to know the truth of what it means to be a Eurasian, especially my fellow Eurasian men.
I did not use the term Eurasian man, much in 2011. I constantly repeated Eurasian male. But never Eurasian man. I did not feel like a man. American society did not treat Eurasians as men. WMAF parents do not consider their sons to be men. I’m a freak, I’m an animal, I’m not a man. Not a human being. Male is a biological term, you can apply to animals. I was a Eurasian Male, but not a Eurasian Man. I have never been considered a human being by anyone. I was born of WMAF, which is a dagger into the heart of a Hapa. I’m a hideous ogre. I have never felt human. I have felt Eurasian.
So what can I hope to get out of life? I can not imagine any fantasy, what if scenario that gives me a Eurasian life worth living. If I had the money of a Howard Hughes, I would only use it to isolate myself in my lonely mansion, with my nails grown long, surrounded by bottles of urine. This is the only miracle, a Eurasian can hope for. No one will ever accept me. I will have to stop being Eurasian 1st. I wish I could just tear my Eurasian face off and vomit my parent’s genes out of me. I don’t want to be their son. I did not choose to be their son. I did not choose them to be my parents. Of all the couplings I could have been born to, I would rather be born to any other than a White Man and an Asian Woman. That is the worst pairing any man can possibly be born of. It is not by accident, that no WMAF son, in the history of the world, has ever amounted to anything, despite how huge numbers, and the privileged background of many. Nothing can save a Eurasian life.
This is why it is so clear to me, that my Eurasian life has to be destroyed. This is the definition of Eurasian identity. We are not a small population. Look how many Asian women marry white men. Half of their kids are sons. And yet what did you know about Eurasian male identity, before reading my blog? I have defined the Eurasian male identity, but my task will not be complete until I make my public suicide. I must leave the stage of life. This is a role, I never wanted hoisted upon me. If I had been born anything other than Hapa, perhaps I could have done some good with my life. I have nothing to hope for, no miracle can save me.
I will kill myself in January or February 2015. A new year. I never thought I would make it this far. I should have killed myself 5 years ago, 10 years ago, or better yet have strangled myself in the womb. I should have been a miscarriage. I don’t want to be born the son of an Asian woman. Consider this a late, late, late, term abortion in the 35th trimester. I want to be unborn. I don’t look at it as a suicide, so much as an unbirth. I never wanted this WMAF life. I did not choose it. I did not myself engage in a WMAF. And yet I was born of a WMAF against my will. Raped at birth. No more. Every day I live, I consent to WMAF. I’m saying I’m ok with being born of WMAF. I commit a WMAF every day I live. I will no longer consent to my birth. I did not have any choice when I was born, but I have had choice since then. And I have allowed my life to keep rolling on. I can’t cling to such a horrid life. I need Freedom in death. The only freedom a Hapa will ever know. I reject my birth. I reject the gift of life, my WMAF parents so carelessly flung upon me. I reject my birth. I resign from being a Eurasian man.