It seems kind of funny to me, that the same Asian women who make the WM/AF justifications, which basically come down to Asian-bashing, white-worshiping, and callously dismiss Asian men, saying they owe them nothing, would be so shocked that an Asian-looking Hapa son of WM/AF would feel so much resentment towards WM/AF. Wm/Afs try to present themselves as a young rebels against the stodgy old patriarchy of Confucian traditionalism. Some greybeard old man with a thick accent saying “I forbid you to marry that white man, our ancient traditions insist you marry Ching Weng Chong.” But of course love and the future wins out in the end. And all peoples white, black, yellow and brown go to the prom to celebrate. Cue cameras, and happy hollywood ending. So it comes as a shock to them, when suddenly WM/AF represents the parental generation, and its’ the children attacking WM/AF. Suddenly their the oppressive parents of the past, and its the future attacking them. When you build the whole foundation of WM/AF on shitting on Asian males, how the hell is an Asian-looking male Hapa supposed to deal with it? Is he supposed to champion it? Be oh so happy for you? If your fathers and brothers attack you, oh thats just your stodgy traditional family. But what about when its your 50% white, out of your womb, son? Does that make it different? So if Asian women are shocked by me, I’m shocked that they’re shocked by me. The thing is, its’ hard to attack your own parents. And even when I was a militant nationalist, I was just pro-Asian, not explicitly anti-Wm/Af. It is only recently that I have the gall to attack WM/AF to my parent’s face. And you know what it feels good!
I get it I get it. Asian women are free and liberated against patriarchy. They express this freedom by marrying white men. Ask Latino and Black feminists how much liberation they want from the white man. Latino and Black women have some consciousness of American history. ITs funny, Asian women see their “yellow feminism” as a break with their foreignness and proof of their Americanization. And yet Black, Latina, or even White feminists, would never define feminism as submitting to the white man. So by defining “feminism” as loving the white men, Asian women just show just how foreign they are to American culture. Anyone who knew crap about American culture, would know that loving the white man is the exact opposite of feminism. Thats why white men oppose feminism for all women except Asian women. Against white women, Asian women are submissive, quiet, obedient China dolls who know their place as a woman. But against Asian men, white men are sensitive feminists liberating Asian women from the chains of foot binding.
So anyway Asian women define “feminism” and “liberation”, as lookatme, I’m an independent individual and I don’t owe Asian men shit. The very idea I owe Asians anything, implies that they own me and thats racist and sexist. So of course they owe their fathers, brothers and friends nothing. BUT… its harder to say you owe your own kids nothing. Unless you wanna go all Casey Anthony on their ass. Which frankly, I wouldn’t have minded. Maybe their oughta be sex-selective abortions for hapa males. It be good revenge no? Problem solved. But short of that, your stuck with your kids. And you brought them into the world as an Asian male. And yet you personally helped shape the world in a way hostile to Asian males. Your personal choices, helped lower the status of all Asian males and now your son has to live with it. Thats why I took pleasure in denying I was white, when a friend payed me the honor of assuming I was a full-white after seeing me aggressively flirt with a hot blonde. I turned down that honor, because to represent myself as anything but an Asian male is to advertise my own emasculation. When I say to people, I have a white dad and asian mom, which I used to until recently, in fact I used to wear my part-whiteness like a badge of honor. When I say that, I’m advertising WM/AF. I’m saying white men are better at getting Asian women, then Asian men like myself. So I might as well just cut my balls off and hand them over, when I say I have a white dad. So thats why I always deny being anything but full-100% Asian if the subject comes up. Whatever shortterm loss from not being a “special” unique exotic Hapa I lose, is worth not showcasing WM/AF.
It shocks me that WM/AFs expect me to be proud of my diverse biracial heritage. Look at me I’m a living United Nations. The melting pot in action. A peace token to the world.
No. The world has always treated me like an Asian male. I feel the same way any Asian male would about WM/AF, the fact that I’m born of it just makes it hurt more. But it in no ways makes me proud of it. So yeah I’m an Asian man, who just happens to have a mom who sleeps with white men, and a white dad who sleeps with Asian women.
IDK when I think of the 1st wave of Asian immigration, those brave Chinese and Japanese single men, who came here without their familes to 1848 California, with the Irish and the Germans and BEFORE the Italians, Eastern Europeans, Greeks, Russians, Polish and Jews. When I think of how they were exterminated by sexual selection, when there were miscegenation laws preventing them from marrying white women. When I think of the extinction of the first Asian-American generation. I realize things aren’t any better now. This time Asian men came with their families. Big woop, the sons aren’t doing any better with white women as they did in 1848, and the women marry white men. So 2011 Asian-America is in just as shitty shape as it was in 1848. We might as well have come over here as single men. At least then we wouldn’t have the false security of Asian women. We would know what we’re going to die out again. So yeah this is the 2nd end of Asian-America, only this time the white man also got the gift of Asian women. Not that that will last since it takes 2 to make an Asian. As I’ve said before Asian-Americans are going to go the way of Native Americans.
Yeah I hate white-worshipping asian chicks who try to pimp out the asian culture to white boys.
Check out Esther Ku, this skank hoe “comedian”
http://www.asianguys.org/blog/asian-guys/self-hating-asian-comedian/
You will hate her.
White worshiping asian bitches have been brainwashed by the jews in mainstream media that AF/WM pairings are beautiful, exotic, sophisticated and they will have hot hapa daughters. They think they will have sexy daughters like Kristen Kreuk who will be able to suck white guys dicks without being labeled by society as a Vietnam war whore.
If you wanna shut EVERYONE up, just show them a pic of Mark Zuckerburg and Priscilla Chan…
Their ugliness will make any white-worshiping asian girl feel disgusted and creeped out.
Although most of your opinions and views I don’t exactly agree with myself, I can feel where you’re coming from. I’m a half Asian/half white female, but I look Asian and present myself to the world as Asian. I myself can’t stand seeing Asian women going for unattractive white guys who can pick and choose any Asian girl they want. And the thing is, since I’m also an Asian woman, I’ve also been approached by old, fat, bald white men who think they will easily charm me. I’m different than the usual Asian/Hapa girl, because I’ve never had the interest for white guys, I’ve only dated Asian guys, and I’m certain I’ll eventually marry an Asian guy – and our kids will look 100% Asian.
“It shocks me that WM/AFs expect me to be proud of my diverse biracial heritage. Look at me I’m a living United Nations. The melting pot in action. A peace token to the world.”
I also usually just let people assume that I’m full Asian, I don’t want people to start thinking “Oh, how did your parents meet? Your dad probably rescued your mom from her poverty stricken homeland! (which is actually true!) You’re an earth baby, come to unite the world into one.” People did think things like that before when I looked more mixed, but these latest years I’ve looked full Asian, so I stopped getting these stupid reactions from people. Now people are just surprised finding out that my dad is white, and say that I don’t look as if I have any white blood in me at all, and I reply “Yeah, I don’t resemble my dad at all!” Which will make them wonder that maybe my white dad is only my step dad, and that my real father is Asian.
I often wish I had an Asian dad. Most Hapa girls don’t find Asian men masculine at all, and date white guys who might resemble their own father. I want to marry someone who is the opposite of my nerdy, white dad. I’m glad I have a full Asian older brother who has always been a tough macho guy (completely opposite of my dad), and married to a white girl. I think for me, growing up having a skinny, nerdy white dad, and a tough, muscular older Asian brother made me see Asian guys as more manly than white guys.
I love watching movies from Asia, there they show hunky looking Asian guys being the hero and getting the pretty Asian girl. I like that much more than watching Hollywood movies where the heroic white guy gets the white or Asian girl, and any Asian guy in the movie is either a nerd or gets killed early on in the movie…
I just showed my white boyfriend this entire blog. We came to a consensus that if our kids ever turn out to be such a hardcore loser like you, we’ll boot him out and invoice him for all expenses he has incurred since his 16th birthday, at 29.99%/a.
I’m an Asian girl dating a white guy because I know Asian men and their families, especially mothers of Asian men, would treat me like dirt.
I’m the first born child between parents of the same race. My father’s side of the family abused my mother and me because I am female, and my mother gave birth to a female child. Male children are prized and female children are nothing but burdens – you raise daughters just to give them away as disposable domestic slaves and prostitutes exclusive to the men who marry them. Among women who married my father’s siblings, any and all who did not give birth first to a son was thrown away like trash. These women sacrificed their careers, their maternal families, homeland and everything… but in the end, they were just used to make babies and abandoned as soon as they’re deemed “defective”. Because they have had a failed marriage and at least one child, and have abandoned their work to become the family slave per the ex-husband and family’s expectation, these women are now the least wanted in both the job market and the dating market. My father was under immense pressure to do the same, but he was man enough to leave his family to protect my mom and me.
If you want to hate, hate the Asians’ misogyny and sexism.
Yes, please reject your son as your family has rejected you. What the fuck do you know about being a mixed race male who looks more chink than white. NOTHING. You will be a useless mother to this kid.
I hope your boyfriend dumps your ass before he makes the biggest mistake of his life. WAKE UP, WHITE MEN. Do not marry or procreate with these Asian woman, telling you lies about how horrible Asian men are. The truth is they don’t want to be regarded as chink immigrants, which is what they would look like walking down the street with us. Treat them like the traitorous whores they are, because they definitely won’t make good mothers.
Chun Kim sounds like an idiot. Her family problems are her family problems alone and does not reflect other families with good values.
imnotracist, you sound really racist. Stop using the terms “chink” or other people will use it too… Also, why are you attacking all Asian women as she is attacking all Asian men? Do you not see where this is going? Pinning Asian men and women against each other? This is bad.
You yell at the idiot and idiot alone. Not at all men or women. By doing that, you are proving her point. How can you defend Asian men as good and righteous when you are calling all Asian women “traitorous whores” ?? No, by doing that you are just trying to make Asian men sound like bad people and perpetuating the stereotype that Asian men don’t respect women.
I ask that you all stop that. Treat people with respect. She calls you a name, you prove her WRONG. By calling women whores, you make yourself look bad and now no woman would want to date a guy who goes around calling women whores. I understand the frustration you feel after reading a comment like Chun Kim’s – but that was probably a troll baiting you anyway. Don’t fall for it.
READERS, don’t fall for any of this. Every person is capable of good and logical reasoning. Do not group people together. There are plenty of good Asian men, Asian women, white men, white women, black men, black women, etc. GOOD PEOPLE KEEP CALM AND GO DO SOMETHING POSITIVE LIKE EXERCISE.
“We came to a consensus that if our kids ever turn out to be such a hardcore loser like you, we’ll boot him out and invoice him for all expenses he has incurred since his 16th birthday, at 29.99%/a.”
That’s very mercenary.
“I’m an Asian girl dating a white guy because I know Asian men and their families, especially mothers of Asian men, would treat me like dirt.”
“Especially the mothers of Asian men”… Of course. The most misogynistic Asians are the Asian women.
“My father was under immense pressure to do the same, but he was man enough to leave his family to protect my mom and me.”
Your father had backbone, and compassion, and he’s full Asian.
“If you want to hate, hate the Asians’ misogyny and sexism.”
You mean the misogyny and sexism of an Asian MOTHER-IN-LAW.
Chun Kim, you disgust me.
White feminazi bitches are just angry that Asian women are gobbling up all the white men!!!
Thanks SEL for speaking truth to power. You have really captured the pain of being a WM/AF Half-White. And the disgusting anti-Asian Anti-Women, misogynist, sexist, imperialist, racist, nature of WM/AF. My parents aren’t the worst either. But they should have opened their eyes and wondered what the WM/AF AM/WF disparity would do to the psych of their sons.
If Asian Males are invisible to USA society, Eurasian Males are doubly so. And this is a tragedy considering just how common WM/AF is. This is the first time the offspring of WM/Af have themselves spoken out. The pain and feelings of humiliation and inferiority are just indescribable. You begin to feel like Asianess is itself a disease, a curse, a horrible malady! I would rather be any race of male than Asian. The whole world treats us Half-Whites as though we were full Asians. And like you said, it pains us doubly because with our white upbringing and last names we expect to inherit white privilege. I wonder how there can be so many Asians in the world, if we are such a horrible race. How did our disgusting traits ever evolve?
Life as a Eurasian Male just isn’t worth living. Maybe we should just accept the extermination of the degenerate Asian race, so that Beautiful Blonde girls shall inherit the earth.
About a year and a half ago I came across the blog “Stuffeurasianmaleslike” . For the first time in my life I felt that there was somebody else out there who felt the way I did about being eurasian. I felt, as an eurasian person that I was supposed to live up to this mythified life of being extremely attractive, smart and accepted by both Asians and Caucasians. That I was supposed to live up to the” eurasian beauty” and the “best of both worlds” myths. Instead, when I look in the mirror I see a jumble of asian and caucasian features that don’t synchronize with eachother….something is wrong with my face, my body, my soul…… I am a slow thinker, I have been asked if I suffer from a learning disability before and I have wondered it myself many times.I never had a date in highschool and I lost my virginity to a taxi driver who took advantage of me.Despite my mother’s best efforts to turn me into a piano virtuoso, I suck at it. and it’s not as if I was lazy and didn’t practice. I’m just simply stupid and talentless.
I feel rejected from both my Asian and Caucasian cultures. I am also female. I feel many people, though shocked by the idea that a eurasian may lead less than a charmed life are able to swallow the fact that a male might feel that way a little easier. But they can’t possibly conceive that a female eurasian may feel this way. Afterall, we’re all supposed to be hot, exotic import models aren’t we?! Men are supposed to lust after our petite Asian bodies with just the right amount of non-asian curves and we all are supposed to have beautiful silky asian hair and exotic almond shaped but not “chinky” eyes right?! I feel I was groomed from birth, had it written from birth to be a prostitute to white and other non asian men. The eurasian son of asian female/white male couplings feels emasculated by his parents union. He feels emasculated at birth, he feels doomed to live stripped of his masculinity . The eurasian female is doomed from birth to be a prostitute to white and other non Asian men as a result of her mother’s poor choice. I feel I was doomed to be a semen receptacle. I do not belong to any “in group” I am forever doomed to be a woman without brethren to back her. Forever doomed to be an “othered” slut.I prefer asian men. I steer clear of White and other non asian men in my dating choices. but that doesn’t insulate me from the perceptions others have of me that I’ m a little half Asian prostitute.
It all became so clear to me at age 11. when my goofy white father decided to sit me down and have a chat with me about “what a beautiful young woman I was turning into” . He went on to tell me that I was only to date white men. When I asked him why, he told me that white men were “more civilized” and would be the only men capable of taking care of me, his little future semen receptacle princess. I asked him if Asian men were okay since I was half asian. He simply answered “no”. His racism became even more clear to me when my younger brother became of dating age and my father started pushing him towards asian girls and setting him up with young asian women (who I have no clue how the heck he met, nor do I want to know) who he would often assign descriptors such as “silky raven hair” and “petite” to. So it was written, my brother was supposed to end up with an asian woman, and I was supposed to end up with a white dood.
Hate me or disagree with me all you want but I know that asian female/white male couples don’t exist in spite of racism but instead occur because of racism. They are not indicators of how “love is colourblind” or triumphant displays against racism. The future children are not “bridges” nor are we for the most part particularily beautiful or intelligent. I am proud to proclaim I am genetic garbage. I hope one day to proclaim this to the next smug faced asian female/white male couple I see. But I’m a coward so…..
This makes it sound like WM/AF girls have it even worse than WM/AF boys.
I fine it so strange to be classed amongst Americans. Yes, I am a Western woman- as in ‘white’- but I am African (as in South African).
I hate all these racial distinctions. Like apartheid all over again.
I find it annoying that American men assume all Western women are the same. I am not… Culturally or otherwise. Not that I’m slandering Western men OR women…
As for me, I have a Chinese husband who I love dearly. And that doesn’t mean nice white guys don’t exist! But there really are a great number of educated, kind and considerate Chinese men out there.
To those Western men with Chinese girlfriends: a question:
what about yourpotential half white daughters? Is this the lesson you want to teach them? the awfullness of their white femininity?
And what about your half Asian sons? Is this what you want to teach them- about the awfulness of their Asia masculinity?
Be gentle with those around you.
Not all children will have such identity issues. Some just grow up knowing that “yes, my parents are black and white or my parents are black and asian and I wonder what kind of person I will grow up with in the future.” They don’t hate themselves just because you decided to marry one person. It’s not like if you marry a short person and your boy grows up really tall, he’ll think – “how awful, I am too tall while my mom prefers short men” Some people do grow up and live their own lives. Not everything is an identity problem ridden with teenage angst.
I grew up in a big city and a lot of kids are mixed. Most blacks around me are heavily mixed but it seems that no one – or very little have any problems.
It seems that if children are raised in a more cultured and mixed environment, they have less problems. Because come on, all the kids are different. Some kids have two dads or two moms, some kids have mixed parents. Some kids don’t have parents at all. Perhaps some kids will still have identity problems, but if you raise your kids in a more mixed and city environment, talk to them and raise them right, things turn out better.
My kids will be mixed black and white, and I am planning to raise them in a city with a lot of culture and mixed people so they don’t feel out of the loop. I think those small towns with few people are so much worst for kids. Big cities like New York or so are so much better. Prep schools with snobs seems to make kids go crazy with identity problems.
To those having a lot of identity problems, perhaps try getting out on your own (if or when you are old enough) and go somewhere different with all different types of people. When you see people dying and starving, people of all colors, your problem will seem less problematic. You will grow up and realize that you are not defined by your birth, but by your actions.
You are who are make yourself to be. Your parents cannot define you even if they try.
Allow me to firstly give you some insight into my parentage. My mother is pretty mixed to begin with; Chinese, Japanese, French and Indian whilst my father is Jewish Italian. As far as I’m aware neither of them had “fetishes” with people of the opposite race. My mum used to date Japanese and Chinese men and in fact my dad was the first white guy she date. My dad had one or two Asian girlfriends but he mainly dated Jewish women. However, such instances are pretty rare I gather. Asian women both immigrants and 1st generation seem to avoid me. Physically one can discern the fact that I look mixed; I have slanted eyes perhaps more so than Asians themselves but that’s about it as well as low cheekbones. I’m 6″2″ with extremely white skin, a roman nose. Most of the time people tend to think I’m like central Asian or even Russian. All the Asian girls I have asked out have rejected me over white guys! To make it even worse they sometimes make hurtful comments along the lines “You’re too white to be Asian and too Asian to be white!” What chance do I have? The white guys I see tend to be creepy, unattractive, socially awkward but with hot girls. So unfair! And mainly they use them as trophy girlfriends whereas for me I actually care for someone’s feelings and I know I have faults! But alas they don’t see that. I ******* hate being mixed its a crappy existence. Other HAPA friends usually girls can get men real easy because they look Asian and thus white men lust over them. HAPA males also share my sentiments. Therefore, I have decided to take matters into my own hands by essentially “whitening” myself through pupil dilution to make my eyes look bigger and minor skin bleaching to remove pink blemished. But I don’t think that’ll do any good. Christ I hate my stupid mixture! Is there any hope for me at all? Asian women just aren’t attracted to me!
Please forgive me, I am not a novelist. I am just trying to convey something that has been weighing heavy on my heart for years. I really don’t expect anyone to read this, or reply, but I just feel like.. I had to share.
I am a Korean American. Half white and half Asian. A Hapa.
My grand father is N. Korean. During the Korean War, he was captured by the South. When the war ended, South Korea gave N. Korea POW’s the option to defect, and my grandfather did. He left his entire family behind, with their blessings, for a better life.
My grandfather found a job running coal on his back through the mountains of S. Korea. That’s where my great grandmother, a prominent single female rice farmer (totally radical for its time), found my grandfather. My great grandmothers daughter was dying of pancreatic cancer and suffering from melanoma, her skin was flush white. The two were to be in an arranged marriage. My great grand mother once told my mother, the reason she courted them, was because my grandmother was dying. She wanted a man of humble roots to care for her, have children with her, love her, and not marry into the family for their money.
My mother was the first born, it was the mid 1950’s. South Korea was still a feudal country. My mother tells me stories about how her family was the only house on the block with electricity, and a TV. Her grandmother would push a TV out into the village square so that the village could watch the news. My mother also tells me stories of how precious fruit were. When her grandmother would give her persimmon, she would peel it, hold the fruit out in her hand, and allow a crowd of children to lick it. Most South Korean children had never tasted fruit before.
When my grandmother became pregnant with my aunt, my mom, who was four years old at the time, was sent to live with her grandmother because my mother refused to stop nursing. My grandmother and grandfather were very poor. Despite the fact my great-grandmother was rich, since my grandmother was not the first born son, she wasn’t provided luxuries, like her older brother (long story short, he ended up being a DA, involved in some gangster stuff, escaped to Laos because with his girlfriend 20 years younger than him, for embezzlement or something).
While my mother lived with her grandmother, she became very spoiled, and the other three children had some resentment for her. My great uncle and great grand mother would shower my mother with new clothes, ice skates, candy, and special dates. The other grand children were not treated the same way my mother was. My great grand mother actually had very little to do with the rest of her daughters children. I wish I knew more about this part of the story, but Asian families don’t share much about the grim parts of their past. My mother is remembered by her brother and sisters as an angry, stubborn, spoiled, young girl. My mother was also OCD. My mother would tell me stories of how she would throw their families belongings in the garbage if they were left out. My grandfather would come home, and curse at this young, 7 year old girl, for throwing all their belongings away. I guess I failed to mention that while my grandmother was dying, my mother took on all the responsibilities of her mother. Sometimes I wonder if the reason my great grand mother spoiled her so much, was because she knew that my mother, as a young girl, would take on all the responsibilities of her dying mother. My mom, a child, helped my grandfather raise 3 children in feudal Korea. I’m crying now. Sometimes I forget that my mom is human, and that there are reasons she is such an angry person now.
In South Korea, when it was time for high school, there were two choices. Career High School and College High School. Though my mom was first born, she was still not the son, so she was sent to Career High School. My mother wanted to be a Nurse, but instead, she got a job as a bus attendant. My mom was a very attractive Korean woman. Young rich Korean men would shower her with food, books, and love letters. My mom was eventually offered a job as a singer and actress, her voice is golden. My grand mother refused to honor her if she took the job, believing that she would become a drug addict. My mom’s dream again, was ruined. A few years later my mom got a job on an American base as a Mess attendant. She would walk from table to table asking, “Finishie?”, taking the service mens trays when they were done. My mom would also buy fruit from the commissary, and black market them to the Korean Market. Fruit was still precious and widely unavailable throughout South Korea at the time. She made a killing. This is where she met my father, in the mess hall.
A few months ago, my dads old friend, lets call him Charles, came by the house. He said to my father, “I remember the first time you saw her, you looked at me, and said: Thats the most beautiful girl i’ve ever seen, I’m going to marry that girl.” Which he did.
It was very taboo for a young Korean woman to marry a white man during these times. But my moms family, radical and nontraditional as it was, eventually accepted my father. My moms Uncle would take my dad to the most prestigious clubs, getting him and his friends hammered on Soju, which was a sign of endearment. The way my mother and father tell this story, is that they fell madly in love, got legally married, then had a ceremony. They said they couldn’t afford a ceremony yet, but still wanted to be married. It took awhile for this lie to make sense to me. My parents legal marriage was late in March, the ceremony was in April, and my brother was born in early December. I eventually realized that my parents love story was a lie, and it was a shot gun marriage. My mom was having pre marital sex, got pregnant with my brother, and they got legally married as soon as possible. They deny this, but the math tells a different story. Sometimes I wonder why my dad didn’t bail, or why they didnt consider abortion. I remind myself that my dad left his girlfriend in the United States with a child, and denied her existence. I was named after her. My dad named me after his bastard child’s girlfriend. My mom discovered this when I was 15.
Anyway, my mom was a terrible mother. She spent most of her childhood as a mother, enjoyed freedom during her early twenties, then was pregnant, and married. My mom says the reason she married a white man, was because she believed a Korean man would beat her. So many fairy tales, so many lies. I wonder how much of her childhood was a lie, too. After my older brother was born, her mom died. When my grand mother died, my great grand mother severed all ties with the family. She became distant and financially unavailable to the rest of the grand children, who were still in school. My grandpa was left alone with the three other children. My mom really sucked at taking care of her children. I imagine it was post partum depression, or maybe thats what I tell myself to make it seem better. My mom once told me a story of how my brother, two at the time, ran a 103 degree temperature. He had to be taken to the hospital, and dunked in a bath of ice to lower his temperature. I asked my mom why it took her so long to check his temperature, and she told me that she hadn’t touched him the entire day. My brother is a heroin junkie now, kleptomaniac, and exhibits some of the personality traits of a serial killer and sociopath. I always wondered if this had something to do with it.
Eventually my dad was re-stationed in the United States, Beale – CA. My mom was forced to leave her entire family behind, and move with her husband and son to the United States. I guess this is the part where I should tell you guys my dad spoke barely any Korean, and my mom spoke barely any English. I don’t know how they survived this. After she came to the US, my mom would call her grandmother every day, and cry that she was scared my father would leave her in the woods. All my mother would do was scream, and cry, and yell at my father. He didn’t understand her. She felt miserable, alone, and lost. My mother called her grandmother so much, that she eventually told her that if she didnt stop calling and complaining, she would send a plane ticket and bring her home. Here I am crying again, understanding the insanity known as my mother.
The family wasn’t there to help with my brother anymore, who was always problematic, even as a child. I guess this is when the fighting began between my parents, when she came to the US, and left with a child alone all day, without any Korean speaking people present. About two years later, my mother called my grandmother. She was pregnant. My grandmother encouraged her to get an abortion. One child was already stressful enough for her, and she didn’t have anyone to help her with the kids, because my dad was working all the time. My unborn brother fetus was aborted shortly after that, my great grandmother paid for it. Two years later I was born. I was an amazing child. Timid, shy, respectful, smart – very smart. I didn’t scream and cry all the time, or run around causing problems for my mother. I mostly wanted to cuddle, read, and hold her hand. My brother grew up resenting the relationship my mother and I had, and the distance that was eventually put between the two of them.
My parents were very abusive. Physically and emotionally, I really don’t want to open this can worms. I remember being beaten with belts, paddles my father had fashioned from wood, and wooden spoons. Most of the beatings were un-categorical, we hadn’t done anything wrong, really. Well, I hadn’t. My brother was being kicked out of schools, stealing, lying, and cheating. He had stolen credit cards from our neighbors to buy porn. I remember my mom throwing a fork at my brothers head in front of a bunch of dinner guests. Nailed him right between the eyes. I asked her why she did it, and she said that she thought she would miss, she was just trying to scare him. He had four scabs on his forehead for weeks. There’s still a scar. Every day was war, this was the end of everything, pick a side, who will you choose. Are you going to live with your father, that piece of shit? Are you going to live with your mother, that cunt and thief? More crying.
I’m not sure why they attacked me. I was a straight A student most my young life, I excelled in extracurricular activities, I was well spoken, and polite. I spent most my time at home hiding in closets. My parents had a lot of financial problems and very little in common. When my mom began speaking English, she started realizing her and my fathers interests didn’t line up. My father wasn’t religious. My mother didn’t like Nascar. My father didn’t care for classical music and fashion, my mother didn’t care for model air planes or fishing. My mom developed a gambling problem. This made the financial situation worse. She began skimping on providing us decent meals, or cooking in general. My father was no longer allowed to have any hobbies. I was pulled out of Figure Skating and gymnastics because they could no longer afford it. My brother, who badly needed to be evaluated and receive therapy, was just kind of left to fend for his own. My parents only noticed my brother when they were angry. They were bad parents. They called us terrible names, ignored us, beat us, fought constantly, blamed us for their arguing and financial problems, and demeaned us constantly. The worst part was the conflict of values. My mother believed that A’s were average, because thats what all the other Korean kids received in school. My brothers marks were always low, and she always compared him to other Korean children. In high school, I was raped, our house was demolished because of toxic mold, I had to have surgery from so many sports injuries, and my family was in collapse. I went from being a 4.0 student to a 1.75 student. I was very depressed. My mother would call me a cunt, a bitch, a slut, a whore, a worthless loser, and many other terrible names because I wasn’t maintaining a 4.0 anymore. They were always absent, they never cared or bothered me until my grades started slipping. They never asked what was wrong, they just got angry. My brother had got a girl pregnant by now, and she was forced to move 500 miles away from him, to spare her a life of his problems. My brother … my brother. More crying.
My brother by now had got a job as an oil boy. A car wasn’t reported correctly, and a sedan ended up pinning him against the garage wall, breaking his back and shattering some discs. My brother already had an addictive personality, and a prescription of oxy eventually lead up to him becoming a heroin addict. I pity my brother. He’s in jail right now. He told me it was because of a stolen bicycle, I looked up his record, it was because of a felony possession. He is a compulsive liar. My brother has MRSA, and recently caught meningitis. Mixed with the heroin problem, he probably wont make it another ten years.
I never learned to love myself. I let guys beat me and treat me badly most my life. I even rushed into a marriage, had a child, lost my husband to PTSD because of the Iraqi conflict, and became a single mother. Sometimes I blame my parents, sometimes I blame myself. Sometimes, I don’t know who to blame. My father who tried to kill my brother and I during rages of anger in which he would black out, or my mother, who constantly compared us to other people, financially destroyed us with her gambling problem, and made my father miserable. Perhaps it was my grandfather, who beat my father senselessly during the great depression. Perhaps with my grandmother, who pushed the responsibility of being mother on her by having so many children while she was dying. Perhaps I was a victim of circumstances. I am no longer angry with my mother (mostly hurt, and misunderstood), and my father is too senile to remember anything factually anymore.
I am still pretty messed up in the head and faced with the responsibility of raising a young girl on my own, terrified of repeating my parents mistakes. I often hear their tone in my voice when lecturing her for bad behavior, it scares me. I cry, and tell her I’m sorry, I am wrong. It must be hard to be my child. She’s five, and doesn’t know any different than her mothers insanity.
Today, I wanted to sit down with my mom, and ask her why she never respected me. I wanted to ask her what I had done to make her say the things she says about me. When family and friends ask about how we’re doing, she doesn’t say how I am a loving mother, a great designer, and volunteer in the community. She says, “I give up, there’s nothing I can do.” I wanted to remind my mom of the times I would yell at adults, as a child, to defend my mother when they mocked her English. When they told her to go back to China, or wherever she was from – it’s all the same anyway. When they told her this was America, she needs to speak English. When they mocked her eye lids, so much to where she had surgery to look more American.
I wanted to ask her why she never felt that way for me. All I ever wanted was for my mother to love and respect me, and to this day, she does not.
But I didn’t say a word to her. There’s no reasoning with feudal Korea. I know my mother will never respect me as a human being. I didn’t become a doctor, or a lawyer, or an engineer. I didn’t complete high school, I got my GED. I left my ex husband, who had PTSD, and became a single mother.
It’s only now, while writing this, I realized that I didn’t live up to any persons expectations, besides my own.
I still can’t help but cry.
To the single mother, your story is amazing and heartbreaking. Much respect for your struggle and strength. Idk how I even got here.
Jim Crow mix with the Lynch of Nword Marriage was perform on African and Chinese in America. Please read this-abagond.wordpress.com/2010/11/19/the-three-bears-effect/. My great aunt told me the rumor of the asian’s penis. Roman believes in the old world-Small penis is symbol of wealth and powerful.WM throw rumors of bm with big junk to sink them down.WW got curious and love it. WM tries to get big junk for attention,too. Once asian men arrived to work in Mississippi. They told ww-asian men is small